Cw racism, xenophobia, discussions of slavery, misogyny and dom viol/second class citizeny for women
Like all movements in the United States, the Women's Suffrage movement is complicated. Also like all movements in the United States, it is extremely whitewashed and sanitized. If Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton are who come to your brain when you think of the women's suffrage movement, its important to know that is by design. And full offense, they are over-credited and undeserving of their history's mark because it is well known they were white supremacists.
I once read a thoughtful post on facebook and I regret not taking note of by whom but it was a criticism of us as white Americans and who we chose to honor. While we could chose to honor anti-racists who actively worked to dismantle white supremacy, we instead honor slave-owners like George Washington, abhorrent colonizers and genocidal pillagers like Christopher Columbus and even racist women like Anthony and Cady Stanton. But this isn't because of a lack of better women, including Black and Brown women and white women who at least made their best effort to be anti-racist (none of us who are white are devoid of racism). Yet, to this day, the women's suffrage movement still centers Anthony and Cady Stanton.
In one part, it is probably because ultimately Anthony and Cady Stanton stand for the crux of what America is about: protecting the racial hierarchy. White women were undoubtedly marginalized by the system and this was truer the poorer they were. Bound to the sharp tongue and rule of their husbands, white women were subjected to second-class treatment, unable to vote, unable to own property and could not sign into contracts without a husbands permission. Many women were subjected to remain in marriages, even with horrific domestic violence, which is why the temperance, and later prohibition, movements are so strongly tied to suffrage. (Prohibition is also a complicated movement--and also is whitewashed and sanitized.) Despite this, though, many white women, like Cady Stanton and Anthony, were not so worried about the equity of all--instead, they yearned for their rightful place in a white supremacist society, so they thought, as to be equal to white men. And as long as they were equal to white men, it did not matter to them what happened to Black and Brown women.
But what's important to note is Cady Stanton was born to economic privileges, being the daughter of an attorney and then later the wife of the founder of the Republican party (Henry Stanton), Cady Stanton only saw through the lenses of a wealthy white woman. Very often, Cady Stanton would refer to the struggle of the "educated woman", which she meant to exclude poor white women and Black women, freed or not freed, due to the systemic denial of their access to equal education. Cady Stanton was also quite the writer and completed a six volume History of Women's Suffrage, co-produced by Anthony, Ida Harper and Matilda Gage.
History of Women's Suffrage is a large part of why Cady Stanton and Anthony, and their colleagues, remain the darlings of the movement. Volumes were released between 1881 to 1922.
These women centered the History of Women's Suffrage around their own work, with an organization known as National Women's Suffrage Association. Founded in May of 1869, the organization came to be after Cady Stanton and Anthony voiced their concerns over the American Equal Rights Association decision to support the Fifteenth Amendment. The Fifteenth Amendment was, of course, the amendment to the Constitution that enfranchised Black men. Cady Stanton, Anthony and their followers created NWSA, whereas the remaining members created American Woman Suffrage Association.
Cady Stanton does mention the word of AWSA and the women behind it--but only seldomly and not in a fond light--to further paint her and her group as the forefront of the suffrage movement.
Going back to 1866, the American Equal Rights Association was clear to focus, at least in intent, of the struggle faced by Black women, subjected to chattel slavery and discrimination. Frances Ellen Watkins Harper addressed the committee and said: "You white women speak here of rights. I speak of wrongs. I, as a colored woman, have had in this country an education which has made me feel as if I were in the situation of Ishmael, my hand against every man, and every man's hand against me." Harper was clear to address issues that faced someone who was both Black AND woman, a concept we now know as intersectionality (Crenshaw, 1989). As such, the AERA's intent was to fight for the rights of all Black people, including Black women, as well as the rights of all women, which would include Black women.
However, it was evident Cady Stanton and Anthony were weary of the idea of enfranchising anyone other than themselves. Early on in AERA's founding, they formed committees with a focus on what they said was "universal suffrage" Of course, universal suffrage is great! But it could be easily discerned that their primary intent was the suffrage of educated white women.
All of this came to head in 1867, when the AERA began to support the Fifteenth Amendment. Most of the members had full support behind them but Cady Stanton argued that she would only support it if a Sixteenth Amendment would follow that guaranteed the suffrage of women. She referred to the Fifteenth Amendment was an "aristocracy of sex". In this, we observe that Cady Stanton is unaware of (probably willingly) of her position in society as a wealthy white woman. All of the marginalization's that Cady Stanton faced was faced by Black women as well on top of the additional marginalization's Black women faced for being Black and poor, as most were. Further, Black men faced marginalization's that Cady Stanton would only dream of ever facing. Despite this, they were unwilling to concede on this point and that is when the dramatic shift occurred.
Cady Stanton took her writing to The Revolution with racial and classist language to express her frustrations. She also took to xenophobia when she wrote: "American women of wealth, education, virtue and refinement, if you do not wish the lower orders of Chinese, Africans, Germans and Irish, with their low ideas of womanhood to make laws for you and your daughters ... demand that women too shall be represented in government." Throughout the next couple of years, tension would mount between the members of the AERA.
Then came the alliance of George Francis Train. Train was an entrepreneur and a white supremacist Democrat. Cady Stanton and Anthony were willing to abandon their previously proclaimed beliefs against white supremacy and slavery to receive financial help from Train. Disgusted by this alliance, Lucretia Mott resigned from her post with the AERA in 1868. (Train was actually a Presidential candidate who had ran against President Lincoln in the election.)
But the climax ultimately came about in May 1869. In May 1869, Cady Stanton and Anthony's officership with the AERA was challenged when Stephon Symonds Foster (whose wife, Abby Kelley Foster is one of my favorite activists on record) stated their dedication to "Educated Suffrage" was at odds with the organizations stance on universal suffrage. Frederick Douglass then chastised Cady Stanton's anti-Black language in her work. At the time, the majority of the AERA agreed that the Fifteenth Amendment was in line with their mission and they supported it.
As such, the AERA saw its ultimate dissolution as the incapability in beliefs could no longer be reconciled. Cady Stantion and Anthony went onward to found the NWSA, where they continued to push for suffrage at a federal level through coded and sometimes direct xenophobic and racist language. Lucy Stone, Julia Ward Howe and others formed AWSA.
The two groups continued to operate separately until the 1890's.
The AWSA focused more on state-by-state campaigns and was a single-issue campaign, focusing on suffrage, and no other issues. Their efforts were responsible for creating suffrage for women in Wyoming (1869) and Utah (1869).
The AWSA had many prominent members who deserve to be recognized for their suffrage work and who have been left out and ignored by history that continues to yield to Cady Stanton and Anthony as authority's on the work. Also, some women were not part of either group and still deserve recognition.
Black Women Leaders in Suffrage
Abby Kelley Foster
https://www.aclu.org/blog/womens-rights/celebrate-womens-suffrage-dont-whitewash-movements-racism
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Woman_Suffrage
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Woman_Suffrage_Association
https://www.npr.org/2011/03/25/134849480/the-root-how-racism-tainted-womens-suffrage
https://www.wesleyan.edu/mlk/posters/suffrage.html
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/28/opinion/sunday/suffrage-movement-racism-black-women.html
https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2019/06/04/how-racism-almost-killed-womens-right-vote/
https://www.splcenter.org/news/2019/06/01/weekend-read-challenging-whitewashed-history-womens-suffrage
https://www.teenvogue.com/story/womens-suffrage-leaders-left-out-black-women
Wednesday, December 18, 2019
Thursday, November 28, 2019
The Manifestations of Codependency
CW: discussion of mental illness and addiction, racism, sexism, colonization, gentrification, incarceration, etc.
My name is D'Angelo and I am codependent. And there's actually a good chance you are too, at least to some extent, especially if you are part of a marginalized or otherwise displaced community. I should advise that I am not a medical professional and nothing in this document constitutes medical advice.
I argue we live in a codependent society. But when I say codependent--what do you think of? Probably someone (usually a woman) staying in a toxic, unhealthy relationship with a no good man she thinks she can fix. That's a valid image and actually is the root of the term--but it is an oversimplification. [This shouldn't be confused with someone, usually a woman, who is forced to stay in a toxic relationship due to financial or socio-economic restraints--that's another discussion entirely and can exist both with and without psychological codependence.]
Codependency is often described as one-sided relationship, usually involving someone caring for or coddling someone with substance use disorder. Again, valid, but not far enough. However, because there is no medical consensus on codependency, and it is absent from the DSM, there doesn't tend to be common agreement on the terminology.
Fact is, codependent behavior can exist within a variety of different dynamics. I argue that codependency is actually the parent of substance use order. And for that matter, I will argue that substance doesn't necessarily mean intoxicants. Rather, it has a deeper meaning.
Substance is whatever device or devices a codependent uses to fulfill their void. It could be drugs, alcohol, family members, partners, children, careers, volunteer work, pets, money, wealth, fame, celebrity worship, sex, gambling or a combination thereof.
Codependence is described by psychologist Bruce K Alexander as a powerful dedication or devotion to a habit or pursuit that may interfere with one's life.
Does Alexander's description fit in the above substances? Can someone have a powerful dedication or devotion to alcohol which will interfere with one's life? A powerful dedication or devotion to a partner? Their own child? A dog? Their career? The answer is, quite frankly, yes.
According to Alta Mira Recovery, the term codependency was initially created to describe the wives of alcoholics, for their tendency to need to fix their husbands. They state that codependency is born out of dysfunctional family dynamics, mental health or physical health disabilities and/or child abuse.
And when we look at the traits of codependency by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, we can see these types of behaviors and feelings in people across the spectrum of substances listed above:
My name is D'Angelo and I am codependent. And there's actually a good chance you are too, at least to some extent, especially if you are part of a marginalized or otherwise displaced community. I should advise that I am not a medical professional and nothing in this document constitutes medical advice.
I argue we live in a codependent society. But when I say codependent--what do you think of? Probably someone (usually a woman) staying in a toxic, unhealthy relationship with a no good man she thinks she can fix. That's a valid image and actually is the root of the term--but it is an oversimplification. [This shouldn't be confused with someone, usually a woman, who is forced to stay in a toxic relationship due to financial or socio-economic restraints--that's another discussion entirely and can exist both with and without psychological codependence.]
Codependency is often described as one-sided relationship, usually involving someone caring for or coddling someone with substance use disorder. Again, valid, but not far enough. However, because there is no medical consensus on codependency, and it is absent from the DSM, there doesn't tend to be common agreement on the terminology.
Fact is, codependent behavior can exist within a variety of different dynamics. I argue that codependency is actually the parent of substance use order. And for that matter, I will argue that substance doesn't necessarily mean intoxicants. Rather, it has a deeper meaning.
Substance is whatever device or devices a codependent uses to fulfill their void. It could be drugs, alcohol, family members, partners, children, careers, volunteer work, pets, money, wealth, fame, celebrity worship, sex, gambling or a combination thereof.
Codependence is described by psychologist Bruce K Alexander as a powerful dedication or devotion to a habit or pursuit that may interfere with one's life.
Does Alexander's description fit in the above substances? Can someone have a powerful dedication or devotion to alcohol which will interfere with one's life? A powerful dedication or devotion to a partner? Their own child? A dog? Their career? The answer is, quite frankly, yes.
According to Alta Mira Recovery, the term codependency was initially created to describe the wives of alcoholics, for their tendency to need to fix their husbands. They state that codependency is born out of dysfunctional family dynamics, mental health or physical health disabilities and/or child abuse.
And when we look at the traits of codependency by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, we can see these types of behaviors and feelings in people across the spectrum of substances listed above:
- Low self-esteem (✓)
- People pleasing (✓)
- Poor boundaries (✓)
- Reactivity (✓)
- Caretaking (✓)
- Control (✓)
- Dysfunctional communication
- Obsessions (✓)
- Dependency (✓)
- Issues with intimacy (✓)
- Painful/overwhelming emotions (✓)
(✓) indicates that it is something that I experience. Certainly, you could be codependent and not experience ALL of these symptoms. Additionally, you could be experiencing some of these symptoms and not have codependency. Everything psychological exists on a spectrum--but this opens some guidance to commonalities. For example, caretaking isn't inherently codependent behavior. Sometimes its an obligation due to your relationship (such as a parent) and sometimes its just the humane and decent thing to do. But there are healthy models of caretaking and destructive models--because again, spectrums.
Now, many of us (although not many enough) have an understanding of how addiction plays into this when it the substance is alcohol or drugs. Sadly, addiction is criminalized deeply and stigmatized and that is rooted deeply in racism. That is important to acknowledge and will become relevant again later during this discussion.
I like to define codependency into two categories: respectable codependence and non-respectable codependence. Respectable codependence is romantic relationships, parent to child, pets and career. These are considered good things--and our society has a very unhealthy image of what these SHOULD look like, so often dangerous codependence is seen as something to be proud of. (Slight sidebar, but think about the language we use about love: "you are my world', "I need you", "you complete me"....not healthy...but it's in every movie or popular song in one way or another). Nonrespectable codependence is alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or other "seedy" fixes. Though society will still glamorize them through our media.
Dr. Marie-Line Germain, PhD in Leadership with a Specialization in Human Resources did a fascinating dialogue with Codependency No More. In her discussion, she mentions the lack of information on the subject by the American Psychological Association. She then goes on to talk about the codependent employee and how it is detrimental to all involved.
Dr. Germain brought forth some incredibly insightful discussion pieces, one of which was the traits of the codependent employee. Seeking approval, low self-esteem, dependency in boss or co-workers, oversensitive to feedback, excessive feelings of being overworked and higher stress levels. These can lead to an inability to not delegate work and, of course, burnout. Have you ever worked with an employee like this? Is this you? It's me.
Have you ever known someone who is "married" to their job? What are some things you see? Let's go back to Lancer's symptoms of codependency. Do these people that are "married" to their jobs seem to have people pleasing elements (people could be their bosses or customers), lack of boundaries (sure I'll stay late on my daughters birthday), caretaking mentality (I'll fix it!), control (never delegates or when they do, nitpick or micromanage), dysfunctional and inconsistent communication (tone is always variant, overcommunicates, IMs you the same thing they just emailed you), obsessive behavior (got to meet the goals!), issues with intimacy (never sees spouse, children or friends...because work) and painful or overwhelming emotions (actual feelings hurt when there is performance feedback, takes issues at work personally).
Many people whose substance is career suffer with meaningful relationships, if they have them at all. They see friends drop off and their partnerships fail--or suffer greatly. Career codependents may also take to additional substances, like alcohol or drugs, to take the edge of. It will not be uncommon for career codependents to be identified by their job (such as, Carol the Accountant) because there isn't much else known of their identity.
But can you see Lancer's symptoms in parents? Unfortunately, usually mothers due to the misogynistic gender roles imposed upon the parental roles. This one is complicated, of course, because parenting is a huge responsibility but far too many mothers lose their identity when they become parents. Now they are so-and-so's mom to everyone. Ever met a parent that was a people pleaser with their children--sure, they should want to make their children happy but even with children you have to assert boundaries at SOME point. I know parents who have no boundaries with their ADULT children. That's where both poor boundaries and unhealthy caretaking come in. OF COURSE a parent should be a caretaker of their young children--but when the means are available, a codependent parent might obsessively call Grandma to check in when she's supposed to be on date night or out with the girls--because of her desire to be the caretaker and her feeling of needing to be in control. Ever met a parent that was obsessed with their child? I don't mean like loving their child. I mean their child signs up for activities or wants to go hang out with their friends and there is Dad, going along with them, every time. The parent finds themselves unable to detach in a healthy way--and then when the child finally does break away, the parent obsessively checks in, even when there is no indication of worry. While empty nest syndrome is perfectly natural--it will be particularly detrimental to the codependent parent.
And so on and so forth.
Psychologist Alexander hones in on the subject matter in a much deeper way. If you've ever heard of the Rat Park experiment in the 1970's, you'd know that community is the key to recovery from addiction.
The War on Drugs was started with a clear and evident racist intent, "declared" only six years after the end to legal de jure segregation via the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Since the declaration, drugs have been criminalized and have impacted black communities across the country at alarming rates, despite the fact that white and black people do drugs at the same rate. Of course, white people have been locked up and criminalized as well, but as Dr. Michelle Alexander explains in her book The New Jim Crow, they are casualties of war rather than the target. While addiction stigmatization (for nonrespectable codependence) exists toward many, it is particularly noticeable that when and if compassion for addiction is ever shown, it i usually toward a cis white person, whereas black people suffering from addiction are considered criminals and lost causes by almost all onlookers, which allows dominant society to remain, in their minds, "better than them."
But is [Bruce] Alexander's assertions that community is a key competent to addiction recovery lie only within the Rat Park? No. Look at Alcoholics Anonymous. While not successful for everyone, it has made an impact, as well as it's sister organizations for other addictions (and for supporting loved ones of addictions, who usually are codependent). Following the 12 steps might have something to do with it, but ultimately, AA brings a sense of community. Community brings a sense of belonging, pride and purpose. The community theory isn't limited to AA. Researchers Jerome and Halkitis (2014) discovered that black gay men suffering from substance abuse tend to perform better in recovery when in support group communities with other black gay men, as it builds not only community but mutual trust.
But now it's time to dive deeper in Alexander's research "Healing Addiction Through Community".
Alexander states that addiction is a way that people with unmet needs respond to what is missing or causing trauma within their lives or communities. Alexander also does not limit addiction to intoxicants but rather includes sex, wealth, power, gambling, love, shopping, hoarding, social media, etc. And his belief, as cited earlier, contends that addiction is the powerful dedication or devotion to a habit or pursuit that is damaging to one's life.
I was interested when I saw Alexander begin by talking about Christopher Columbus, a well-known Genoa born colonizer who lead to the genocide and pillaging in the Americas in his "voyage" from the Crown of Spain. In Alexander's text, he brings up fragmentation of societies. With that, he means the literal destruction of communities through forces such as disease, enslavement, religious indoctrination, economic or resource exploitation and ecosystem destruction. All of these horrific actions tore communities apart violently, and of course, Columbus is only one example of colonizing. As a result of fragmentation, communities experience dislocation, which is an experience of void or multiple levels of alienation.
And as such, dislocation leads to an absence of an enduring or sustaining connection between individuals and their families, communities and/or societies.
How truly connected are most people to society? In this capitalism? It's pretty much a rat race to be better than the other with a survival of the fittest attitude.
Now, let's think about fragmentation in a more modern context. The enslavement and trafficking of African people. The war on drugs which took over and destroyed entire communities. Gentrification. The exile and exclusion of gay, bi and lesbian people from society. The further exile of transgender people from both dominant society and the niche gay communities. Even poverty through middle class working lives--with one or both parent working 40+ hours, how can families develop true, sincere bonds, let alone communities?
Alexander states that prolonged dislocation (which I refer to as our individualistic attitudes) undermines the societal bases of belonging, identity, meaning and purpose. This creates an empty and dismal life experience. Think back to AA--a community which has belonging, identity, meaning and purpose. While imperfect, think about the gay scene--belonging, identity, meaning and purpose. Even think about churches--belonging, identity, meaning and purpose.
Alexander cites several contributors to codependent and by extension addictive behaviors, including intrauterine stress due to overworked and/or underresourced pregnant parents-to-be, lack of attachment and bonding during infancy (common due to parents being required to return to work or go without pay), child abuse or trauma due to fragmented families (divorce, incarcerated parents, poverty, overworked parents, death of a parent), lack of stable housing and lack of community within neighborhoods. Certainly that is not an exhaustive list.
So--how does this relate to codependency? Well, fragmentation leads to dislocation which leads to a void and emptiness. And one's substance can help make someone feel like that void is being filled. So, being the star employee fills the void or being the cool dad. Being the wife that holds the family together. Or drugs, alcohol and party life fill the void. In essence, it creates at least an illusion of belonging, identity, meaning and purpose.
Not surprisingly though, codependency only leads to further dislocation. And one particularly troubling aspect is how Alexander acknowledges that society knows and understands the true, deeper impact of dislocation. It's seen as unbearable. That is why it exists as a punishment (solitary confinement, excommunication from communities or religion, exile).
I think most people in the United States land somewhere on the codependent spectrum. Some may be less chronic or severe than others but somewhere. The lack of emotional connection and the absence of community makes it almost impossible avoid--and if you exist in a marginalized identity, your likelihood of codependence is even stronger. It is easy to look into marginalized communities and blame them for their plight. Because they stay in bad relationships. They chose to get high or drunk all the time. They chose to this or that. The hard work is examining how this society's ill permeates throughout all of the society--and how we all are impacted by it, directly or indirectly, in our familial relationships, friendships, romantic relationships, careers and our daily lives.
Tuesday, August 6, 2019
Monday, July 22, 2019
Jack and the Man Stalk
Cw: stalking, manipulation, violence (sexual/emotional), and more.
I've had quite an interesting life. Many choices I'm not proud of and a number of sticky situations I could have avoided. But nonetheless, life happened, and it happened how it did.
I was 17 years old in 2006. At the time, I was still working at my first job as a grocery store front-end clerk and cashier. That's when I first would meet Jack (name changed). Jack transferred into the store as the Assistant Customer Service Manager, so that made him second in command in my department. I'd say he was 22 or 23. We had a good and pleasant professional relationship. We joked around and generally had a good time. There was nothing unusual or out of the ordinary about our working relationship. Then one day, I transferred stores and I would not hear from him again until 2011, when I was 21 going on 22.
For context, I had my first relationship that lasted longer than two weeks when I was 20. I dated a guy I met through a local theater troupe who was 8 years my senior. I truthfully wasn't stable...I was taking anti-depressants and mixing it with loads of intoxicants. To put it firmly, it was a pretty toxic relationship and I ended it--but did not take it well. Guess I had "returner's remorse." I tried to reconcile it--but luckily (looking back) he didn't budge. But nonetheless, I was heartbroken and acting a whole fool about it.
So I responded like the co-dependent I am. Dating and hookups. Anything for attention.
Jack must have found me at the perfect time. Vulnerable, unstable and detoxing from anti-depressants I could no longer afford (with no insurance, the MD visit was $200 and the 30-day supply was over $150...and I still worked at a grocery store making $9 an hour part-time.) If you've never withdrawn cold turkey from an anti-depressant, I do NOT recommend it.
He connected with me via Facebook. He saw through my statuses that I was going though a rough breakup and that is when he confided in me that he was too. His boyfriend of 4 years was all of these things. A manipulator. A liar. Unfaithful. Everything under the sun.
This is when he asked me out for a drink. His treat! He said he wanted to talk through our mutual pain. I told him that it would be fun to catch up but set an expectation that I wasn't seeking any type of romantic or sexual relationship with him. He said he respected that and felt the same.
But that wasn't true.
I really can't remember much about the conversation. We talked about our exes and the mutual pains. But nothing remarkable. That's when he told me the drive home for him was over an hour. He asked if he could just stay at my place. I said No. He pushed the subject. I still said No. Then finally he convinced me it would just be for an hour so he could sober up. I gave in.
I told him I was going right to sleep as I had to be in at 9am. He could let himself out. But he never did. Instead, he took it upon himself to find pleasure in my tipsy, half asleep body. I didn't say anything. I woke up the next day annoyed he was still there and rushed him out so I could go to work. After he leaves, I re-assert the original boundary. He says he understands.
Then the gifts started. We hung out at my favorite coffee shop followed by my favorite gay bar. I introduced him to my friends. Each time he brought a personalized token. It was awkward but I accepted the gifts. Why not?
I only visited him at home once. It was an hour and a half drive. That's when he unleashed all the trauma he experienced in his life as a child. I have no idea if any of it was true--but at 21, I certainly believed it and developed feelings of sympathy and sorrow for him.
Things continued.
But it really erupted when I started a sexual relationship with a guy I had met online. Sexy as ever, I was highly attracted to him. I was never even slightly attracted to Jack. Once Jack saw that I was dating this guy, all hell broke loose.
Suddenly, I had bad teeth. I was trailer trash. I was a drug addict. A bitch. A psycho. My new boyfriend was ugly and all these terrible things. I never told my boyfriend any of this was happening--most of it was though text messages. He eventually apologized and said he just had gotten jealous and was triggered from his ex. I gave way to forgiveness.
But then the harassment continued.
Continued messages via Facebook and posts directly tagging me and badgering me. Insulting me. I blocked him. He continues to harass me though his best friends page. I block her.
The text messages get excessive, to over 120 text messages in a single hour. Most of them insults and threats about me getting what is indebted to me. He knew where I lived, worked and hung out.
I was fearful every time I saw headlights illuminate my window. I was watching my back.
He showed up at my favorite bar but my drag family swiftly threw him out. He was angered by this and continued to send me threats.
It was starting to impact my work performance because I was so distracted. He was obsessed--and would not let up.
One day, a manager I had previously worked for called me to notify me that Jack had visited her at her store. He knew I had a great relationship with her and I looked up to her. He badgered me to her, said I was obsessed with him and that I was doing drugs (and being this was a drug free workforce such rumors could be harmful). She didn't buy it--but she warned me because she knew something wasn't right.
I knew I had to do something. But what resources were there? I was afraid the police would not take it seriously as I had read time and time again that such problems between members of the same gender were often ignored or minimalized. But I hadn't much other choices. So I called them. The Tampa Police officer arrived at my door and took my statement, reviewed the messages and the texts and filed a police report. I was then given a form granting me 21 days to file charges. He left.
No resources or immediate safety measures were given but I was finally able to block his phone number. Back then, at least with Verizon, it was quite a process.
A day later, Jack reached out from a friends phone. He was furious that I had gotten police involved and told lies and now he was going to sue me. I told him (totally making it up as I go) that contacting me was evidence and that his friend is an accomplice for letting him use their phone. I think the friend was on speaker because the call swiftly ended.
I never heard from Jack again.
I got lucky. Many people who file these reports meet a demise because no protective measures were provided in the interim.
Oh and if you're wondering, the officer definitely asked me what I had done to lead him on and to lead to this erratic behavior. Not shocking, right?
I don't know where Jack is but I do know this. He is part of me forever. I forever wonder if and when the day will come where I'm faced with him again.
I've had quite an interesting life. Many choices I'm not proud of and a number of sticky situations I could have avoided. But nonetheless, life happened, and it happened how it did.
I was 17 years old in 2006. At the time, I was still working at my first job as a grocery store front-end clerk and cashier. That's when I first would meet Jack (name changed). Jack transferred into the store as the Assistant Customer Service Manager, so that made him second in command in my department. I'd say he was 22 or 23. We had a good and pleasant professional relationship. We joked around and generally had a good time. There was nothing unusual or out of the ordinary about our working relationship. Then one day, I transferred stores and I would not hear from him again until 2011, when I was 21 going on 22.
For context, I had my first relationship that lasted longer than two weeks when I was 20. I dated a guy I met through a local theater troupe who was 8 years my senior. I truthfully wasn't stable...I was taking anti-depressants and mixing it with loads of intoxicants. To put it firmly, it was a pretty toxic relationship and I ended it--but did not take it well. Guess I had "returner's remorse." I tried to reconcile it--but luckily (looking back) he didn't budge. But nonetheless, I was heartbroken and acting a whole fool about it.
So I responded like the co-dependent I am. Dating and hookups. Anything for attention.
Jack must have found me at the perfect time. Vulnerable, unstable and detoxing from anti-depressants I could no longer afford (with no insurance, the MD visit was $200 and the 30-day supply was over $150...and I still worked at a grocery store making $9 an hour part-time.) If you've never withdrawn cold turkey from an anti-depressant, I do NOT recommend it.
He connected with me via Facebook. He saw through my statuses that I was going though a rough breakup and that is when he confided in me that he was too. His boyfriend of 4 years was all of these things. A manipulator. A liar. Unfaithful. Everything under the sun.
This is when he asked me out for a drink. His treat! He said he wanted to talk through our mutual pain. I told him that it would be fun to catch up but set an expectation that I wasn't seeking any type of romantic or sexual relationship with him. He said he respected that and felt the same.
But that wasn't true.
I really can't remember much about the conversation. We talked about our exes and the mutual pains. But nothing remarkable. That's when he told me the drive home for him was over an hour. He asked if he could just stay at my place. I said No. He pushed the subject. I still said No. Then finally he convinced me it would just be for an hour so he could sober up. I gave in.
I told him I was going right to sleep as I had to be in at 9am. He could let himself out. But he never did. Instead, he took it upon himself to find pleasure in my tipsy, half asleep body. I didn't say anything. I woke up the next day annoyed he was still there and rushed him out so I could go to work. After he leaves, I re-assert the original boundary. He says he understands.
Then the gifts started. We hung out at my favorite coffee shop followed by my favorite gay bar. I introduced him to my friends. Each time he brought a personalized token. It was awkward but I accepted the gifts. Why not?
I only visited him at home once. It was an hour and a half drive. That's when he unleashed all the trauma he experienced in his life as a child. I have no idea if any of it was true--but at 21, I certainly believed it and developed feelings of sympathy and sorrow for him.
Things continued.
But it really erupted when I started a sexual relationship with a guy I had met online. Sexy as ever, I was highly attracted to him. I was never even slightly attracted to Jack. Once Jack saw that I was dating this guy, all hell broke loose.
Suddenly, I had bad teeth. I was trailer trash. I was a drug addict. A bitch. A psycho. My new boyfriend was ugly and all these terrible things. I never told my boyfriend any of this was happening--most of it was though text messages. He eventually apologized and said he just had gotten jealous and was triggered from his ex. I gave way to forgiveness.
But then the harassment continued.
Continued messages via Facebook and posts directly tagging me and badgering me. Insulting me. I blocked him. He continues to harass me though his best friends page. I block her.
The text messages get excessive, to over 120 text messages in a single hour. Most of them insults and threats about me getting what is indebted to me. He knew where I lived, worked and hung out.
I was fearful every time I saw headlights illuminate my window. I was watching my back.
He showed up at my favorite bar but my drag family swiftly threw him out. He was angered by this and continued to send me threats.
It was starting to impact my work performance because I was so distracted. He was obsessed--and would not let up.
One day, a manager I had previously worked for called me to notify me that Jack had visited her at her store. He knew I had a great relationship with her and I looked up to her. He badgered me to her, said I was obsessed with him and that I was doing drugs (and being this was a drug free workforce such rumors could be harmful). She didn't buy it--but she warned me because she knew something wasn't right.
I knew I had to do something. But what resources were there? I was afraid the police would not take it seriously as I had read time and time again that such problems between members of the same gender were often ignored or minimalized. But I hadn't much other choices. So I called them. The Tampa Police officer arrived at my door and took my statement, reviewed the messages and the texts and filed a police report. I was then given a form granting me 21 days to file charges. He left.
No resources or immediate safety measures were given but I was finally able to block his phone number. Back then, at least with Verizon, it was quite a process.
A day later, Jack reached out from a friends phone. He was furious that I had gotten police involved and told lies and now he was going to sue me. I told him (totally making it up as I go) that contacting me was evidence and that his friend is an accomplice for letting him use their phone. I think the friend was on speaker because the call swiftly ended.
I never heard from Jack again.
I got lucky. Many people who file these reports meet a demise because no protective measures were provided in the interim.
Oh and if you're wondering, the officer definitely asked me what I had done to lead him on and to lead to this erratic behavior. Not shocking, right?
I don't know where Jack is but I do know this. He is part of me forever. I forever wonder if and when the day will come where I'm faced with him again.
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Lovedrunk and Co-Dependent
Its funny how memories of your own life feel disconnected and vague, almost as though they aren't a part of you. I've been thinking about that quite a bit. There's so many decisions I've made, whether out of fear, laziness, ignorance or just survival that I would take back in an instance. Popular culture's advice is to not live with regrets but I don't know if I agree. Perhaps don't dwell on them but I definitely have regrets.
The first time I truly fell in love was in 2012. It was an interesting time for me. My best friend, Rocio, who I had known since 2002, and I had decided to move into our own apartment. It was Countrywood Apartments in Carrollwood. I was working full-time at Publix still, at that time, still on the track to moving up with the Company. I was single and not yet 23 yet.
Feels like a totally different and disconnected world from where I am now. I'm telling this story to the best of my memory. CW: gaslighting, cheating, manipulation, lies, weapons
I met Jerry (name changed) at my favorite gay club. It was my home bar where my drag family performed and where I had most of my problematic drunken shennigans. It was truly a home. Gay wasn't in fashion at the time (and I still argue it isn't but hey--whatever). I never really went on Sunday's but that one Sunday, I did. It was the only Sunday I ever went to the bar. I was shy and most of my friends were employed or performers at the bar, so they weren't really able to pay me much attention. Then, out of no where, Jerry approached me, told me I was cute and asked for my number. That never happened to me before! He was so well dressed. "Boujie" as my drag sister Anthony called him. He texted me almost instantly. I was really not the pursuing or pursued type, kind of awkward and unhinged on the whole idea of dating and relationships, so I would respond but pretty casually. He was persistent but not in a scary way--as I had previously dealt with the stalker type before. Nothing like that! I turned 23 that April and after much ado, I finally agreed to go on a date. What a glamarous date it was--at the Hyde Park Starbucks. We talked for hours. Looking back I couldn't tell you much of what we talked about--but he really liked me and I liked him, so we agreed to go a second date. The second date was at Timpano's, an upscale, far out of my price range Italian restaurant. He paid. I thought, "he must have money!" I would be lying if I told you that wasn't a selling factor. He was really cute, funny and had money? Yeah!
I met him up at his apartment--it was off of Lemon Ave. I can't remember the name. But it was the definition of boujie as far as Tampa goes. So high-class! I was surprised I was let within 500 ft. of the property with my credit score the way it was. His apartment was a studio with luxurious furniture. I remember so clearly now how there were no pictures or anything. He told me he lived alone but wasn't there much because he was in the military. It wasn't that odd to me. We had a romantic dinner he made and wine, a staple for dating me. That night was the first night that we had sex. It was great!
My friends were getting to know him and getting along with him, though my drag mother Joey had some concerns, she wasn't the type to interfere so much. I was falling pretty quickly. Little trinkets of appreciation, romantic dates, sex. Boujie apartment? What wasn't to enjoy?
He was set to turn 28 in December. I remember that. And I also remember looking at his little SmartCar and noticing the tag had an expiration date in June. So observant of me! I asked about it. He told me it was because it was easier to have the car registered in his dad's name. Simple enough.
But not really.
What I didn't know then but would later learn, through bouts of roller coasters and denial, was the SmartCar didn't belong to Jerry or his dad. It belonged to who we will call Dave. Dave was a military contractor away overseas. Dave also was the leaseholder of the boujie apartment. Oh, and if you hadn't guessed it, Dave was Jerry's fiancee' (though, technically gay marriage wasn't legal in Florida then and would not be for another three years). Dave remained his fiance for a few months while Jerry and my relationship was blossoming. Because Jerry (so slyly) wasn't active on social media, it was easy to hide--until one day Dave's sister caught us holding hands in public. I didn't know about the sighting.
I also was too naive to realize all the phone calls Jerry had to take "in another room" weren't really top secret U.S. military calls. I mean, I was 23 and naive.
Once more information came together, Jerry struggled to keep his lies together but really he didn't have to try hard. Not only had I fallen in love, I was chronically co-dependent, so I was pretty much available to buy most bullshit he sold me if it meant I could be loved. The story changed day to day about how Dave was an abusive partner, they fought physically, Dave used racial slurs, Dave cheated on Jerry. All these different reasons why Dave was bad. Maybe they were true or partially true but honestly, I wouldn't put my money on it now. But I was willing to believe it then because it justified what I wanted to believe. But most importantly, I was told that Dave and Jerry had split up and that the sister was mad because she didn't know about the split up and Dave was mad because since his family "loved Jerry so much" Dave had wanted to keep the broken up engagement a secret.
I'm sure it was all a lie. But it was a sweet little lie during it.
I must've known I was being gaslit but I was lovedrunk and desperate enough to go with it. Perfect recipe for a manipulator of his stature. It scares me to acknowledge what red flags and evidence I was willing to ignore to maintain this lie. One day, I got a Facebook message. It was from the awful, manipulative Dave. I read it. I read it three times. I got angry. I had Jerry read it front of me. The message told me that Jerry and Dave had been engaged, Dave was away and that the two had plans of Jerry moving to Germany to be with him. I remember the message saying something to the effect of, "I hope this comes as a surprise to you. I am assuming you did not know Jerry and I were engaged and in love and truthfully that I want to work it out with him still. I love him. But if you did know, I want you to know that you have hurt me more than you could ever imagine."
I didn't know. But I knew now. I never responded. I let Jerry tell me more lies and then I archived the message. I never heard from Dave again. I think that might be when they officially broke up.
Jerry and I were bickering more. Like I said, I was smart enough to know I was being gaslit--but co-dependent enough to go along with it. One day, I was at my apartment with Jerry and we weren't having a good day. We were arguing back and forth which had begun to become our normal. At one point, I was in the kitchen which was connected to the living room and I was half-way cleaning as a way to control my anxiety during our loud arguing. I must've dropped an aerosol spray can on the carpet and it made a little thud--next thing I knew:
Jerry started hollering and yelling about how he couldn't take it anymore, he ran passed me, punched a hole in my bedroom door, kicked a hole in my bedroom wall and then flipped over my coffee table before running out of the apartment.
I never experienced anything like that. What an adrenaline rush! I immediately locked the door and called my best friend/roommate, Rocio, and interrupted her friend date. Told her I needed her to come home right away--it was an emergency.
Well--Dave's SmartCar? That wind up getting crashed into my apartment complexes dumpster. I, to this day, have no idea why Jerry ran it into that dumpster but I do know that it was intentional. He had actually left the complex and come back to run into it.
I heard the crash and screaming outside. I ran outside. My co-dependency bells are ringing! It was a dramatic moment. A neighbor called 911 and the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office arrived quickly. I remember them questioning Jerry and then making him pour out open vodka before they departed. No citation was given and no police report was filed. I told one officer of the situation in the apartment and the property destruction and also, that I did not feel particularly safe. He told me that sometimes people do crazy things when they're angry. The police left and so did Jerry.
I wish I could tell you this was where I left him!
Nah! We talked and he convinced me to let him come over. I know Rocio didn't like it--but what was she to do? And just like that, he sweet talked his way back into my life.
Around this time--he had moved to an apartment in Temple Terrace since Dave naturally threw him out of the boujie apartment. I started to realize Dave had the money--Dave financed our fancy and boujie dates. Thanks Dave. I did enjoy the money and glamour and I won't pretend I didn't but that wasn't ultimately why I was with Jerry. So--it wasn't a dealbreaker. The lying, cheating and property damage should have been but hey.
Our relationship grew and we had many lovely dates but also many tulmutous fights. He wasn't working. He was going to school full-time and got G.I. bill. But I was paying for most of the dates and activities on my lowly salary. I eventually had to pick up a second job to keep us afloat, working overnight at a gas station on top of my retail schedule. I was tired.
And with me working almost 24/7, fatigued and getting no emotional or financial support from Jerry--that's when I left him. Lol, just kidding! Instead--we agreed to move in with each other. Rocio moved in with us as well to this 1,000 sq ft apartment called The Commons. I loved it!
It was my first time living with a boyfriend. And it didn't take long for the living situation to be nothing but fighting.
Oh--and it wouldn't be a story of a manipulator if I didn't tell you how many times Jerry accused me both directly and indirectly of cheating. Constantly passively implying it or outright saying it--he would pull up and check on me at work, call me all the time, unless he was out late with no explanation. Sometimes he wouldn't come home until 3 or 4 in the morning. I remember having seen suspicious text messages. Oh, and then I found him on Plenty of Fish, a dating website. He told me, of course, that he made it as a joke with a friend--and I naturally believed it because it made so much sense!
But I'll never forget this one.
One day, after coming home from drill, he told me he got tested--and they found gonorehea in his rectum. His angle was of course, I, the grand master cheating ho top of Tampa, had infected him! I knew it wasn't possible because I hadn't slept with anyone else. But I knew I could have gotten it from him, so I went to Planned Parenthood to get tested. It took two weeks and it was grueling. When my test came back, it was completely negative of all STIs. Hah! I remember my big "gotcha!" You couldn't have gotten it from me! I didn't have it in the first place. So, he told me that the military health clinic messed up and it was a false positive. But what fool would believe that?
And that's when I left him.
No just kidding! I was indoctrinated at this point. I not only stayed in it but we moved again, this time without Rocio, who moved on to be with who is now her husband. We moved to New Tampa--far away from everyone.
I hated our new apartment. I hated my commute and I think I started to hate him.
I always had a problem with over-induldging and being a chaotic drunkard but during this time period, I really started acting out. I wanted to escape so badly. I was getting black out drunk on a regular basis and causing scuffles, flailing arms and stumbling galore. Jerry used this as ammunition as to why I was a terrible boyfriend--and definitely a cheater. Since I couldn't fully remember my evenings, it was a great way to sell a story that I was out doing questionable things. Also known as the things he was doing.
I'm not claiming I was an angel. I was a whole hot mess. I definitely got amorous and flirty while drinking but I never cheated. As much as Jerry wanted me to be a cheater, I never did. I might as well have though considering he still carries on that accusation today. If I had, at this point, I'd just admit it--but I hadn't.
The relationship started to get to a point where there weren't even anymore good times. There was no fun times to balance out the misery anymore. The sex wasn't worth it anymore. I was isolated. He complained about being around my friends.
I remember Jerry had a gun. He was all about war and guns. He kept the gun under his pillow--in case of robbery. Talked about wanting to use it in a break-in.
I'm not sure at what point in time it clicked in my mind--but I was no longer staying with him because of co-dependent love. I was staying with him because I was absolutely afraid of him. With him going off the handle early on in our relationship and slaughtering my drywall, I certainly could envision that one night, I'd drink too much or he'd get over suspicious that I was "out cheating" and that I'd be the one he used the gun on. He never did nor did he threaten me with it--but the fear was there nonetheless.
Around September 2014, two and a half brutal and miserable years later, he came from drill and told me he wanted to breakup. I remember he was mad I didn't cry or fight him on it. We agreed to ride out the lease but that did not happen. Somehow, without my consent, he broke the lease and with less than three days notice, I had to move out. Luckily, Joey and friends let me move in with them and I would stay in the Bone family house from 2014 until my sister in law's death in 2017.
I had a reckless year still acting up in my old, poisoning myself ways throughout 2015--but I started to calm down and heal. Regrettably, I did not give myself enough time to heal and had a couple of relationships that were short and emotionally harmful throughout the year. Then in December 2015, without looking for it, I'd fall in love the second time with someone else. That one didn't work out either--but overall, it was much healthier and I can remember it much more fondly, for the most part--sometimes things just don't work out. It is what it is.
Third times the charm perhaps--now I'm with my guy and it's healthy. It's loving. It's kind. I'm different than I was in 2012 at 23 or in 2014 at 25. The scars Jerry left for me are still very visible and real.
I share this story not my sympathy nor to drag Jerry. I couldn't care less about Jerry--and honestly, I forgave him anyway and that's my choice. I won't reconcile with him or be his friend but I forgive him. Shit, it happened. It's over. I never have to deal with him again.
But I know why people stay. And sometimes people who are acting out are people who need to get out--it doesn't excuse their--or in my case--my toxic behavior--but there are often underlying reasons.
If you know who Jerry is based on the details of this story, there's no reason to say so. Keep it moving. I just needed to account for this story of my life so I could own the narrative and I could reflect on it as I age. Perhaps there's someone out there who needs to hear it. If you're the me--please get out--and if you're the Jerry, by God, get the help you need and stop harming people--come clean now and reform. Please.
The first time I truly fell in love was in 2012. It was an interesting time for me. My best friend, Rocio, who I had known since 2002, and I had decided to move into our own apartment. It was Countrywood Apartments in Carrollwood. I was working full-time at Publix still, at that time, still on the track to moving up with the Company. I was single and not yet 23 yet.
Feels like a totally different and disconnected world from where I am now. I'm telling this story to the best of my memory. CW: gaslighting, cheating, manipulation, lies, weapons
I met Jerry (name changed) at my favorite gay club. It was my home bar where my drag family performed and where I had most of my problematic drunken shennigans. It was truly a home. Gay wasn't in fashion at the time (and I still argue it isn't but hey--whatever). I never really went on Sunday's but that one Sunday, I did. It was the only Sunday I ever went to the bar. I was shy and most of my friends were employed or performers at the bar, so they weren't really able to pay me much attention. Then, out of no where, Jerry approached me, told me I was cute and asked for my number. That never happened to me before! He was so well dressed. "Boujie" as my drag sister Anthony called him. He texted me almost instantly. I was really not the pursuing or pursued type, kind of awkward and unhinged on the whole idea of dating and relationships, so I would respond but pretty casually. He was persistent but not in a scary way--as I had previously dealt with the stalker type before. Nothing like that! I turned 23 that April and after much ado, I finally agreed to go on a date. What a glamarous date it was--at the Hyde Park Starbucks. We talked for hours. Looking back I couldn't tell you much of what we talked about--but he really liked me and I liked him, so we agreed to go a second date. The second date was at Timpano's, an upscale, far out of my price range Italian restaurant. He paid. I thought, "he must have money!" I would be lying if I told you that wasn't a selling factor. He was really cute, funny and had money? Yeah!
I met him up at his apartment--it was off of Lemon Ave. I can't remember the name. But it was the definition of boujie as far as Tampa goes. So high-class! I was surprised I was let within 500 ft. of the property with my credit score the way it was. His apartment was a studio with luxurious furniture. I remember so clearly now how there were no pictures or anything. He told me he lived alone but wasn't there much because he was in the military. It wasn't that odd to me. We had a romantic dinner he made and wine, a staple for dating me. That night was the first night that we had sex. It was great!
My friends were getting to know him and getting along with him, though my drag mother Joey had some concerns, she wasn't the type to interfere so much. I was falling pretty quickly. Little trinkets of appreciation, romantic dates, sex. Boujie apartment? What wasn't to enjoy?
He was set to turn 28 in December. I remember that. And I also remember looking at his little SmartCar and noticing the tag had an expiration date in June. So observant of me! I asked about it. He told me it was because it was easier to have the car registered in his dad's name. Simple enough.
But not really.
What I didn't know then but would later learn, through bouts of roller coasters and denial, was the SmartCar didn't belong to Jerry or his dad. It belonged to who we will call Dave. Dave was a military contractor away overseas. Dave also was the leaseholder of the boujie apartment. Oh, and if you hadn't guessed it, Dave was Jerry's fiancee' (though, technically gay marriage wasn't legal in Florida then and would not be for another three years). Dave remained his fiance for a few months while Jerry and my relationship was blossoming. Because Jerry (so slyly) wasn't active on social media, it was easy to hide--until one day Dave's sister caught us holding hands in public. I didn't know about the sighting.
I also was too naive to realize all the phone calls Jerry had to take "in another room" weren't really top secret U.S. military calls. I mean, I was 23 and naive.
Once more information came together, Jerry struggled to keep his lies together but really he didn't have to try hard. Not only had I fallen in love, I was chronically co-dependent, so I was pretty much available to buy most bullshit he sold me if it meant I could be loved. The story changed day to day about how Dave was an abusive partner, they fought physically, Dave used racial slurs, Dave cheated on Jerry. All these different reasons why Dave was bad. Maybe they were true or partially true but honestly, I wouldn't put my money on it now. But I was willing to believe it then because it justified what I wanted to believe. But most importantly, I was told that Dave and Jerry had split up and that the sister was mad because she didn't know about the split up and Dave was mad because since his family "loved Jerry so much" Dave had wanted to keep the broken up engagement a secret.
I'm sure it was all a lie. But it was a sweet little lie during it.
I must've known I was being gaslit but I was lovedrunk and desperate enough to go with it. Perfect recipe for a manipulator of his stature. It scares me to acknowledge what red flags and evidence I was willing to ignore to maintain this lie. One day, I got a Facebook message. It was from the awful, manipulative Dave. I read it. I read it three times. I got angry. I had Jerry read it front of me. The message told me that Jerry and Dave had been engaged, Dave was away and that the two had plans of Jerry moving to Germany to be with him. I remember the message saying something to the effect of, "I hope this comes as a surprise to you. I am assuming you did not know Jerry and I were engaged and in love and truthfully that I want to work it out with him still. I love him. But if you did know, I want you to know that you have hurt me more than you could ever imagine."
I didn't know. But I knew now. I never responded. I let Jerry tell me more lies and then I archived the message. I never heard from Dave again. I think that might be when they officially broke up.
Jerry and I were bickering more. Like I said, I was smart enough to know I was being gaslit--but co-dependent enough to go along with it. One day, I was at my apartment with Jerry and we weren't having a good day. We were arguing back and forth which had begun to become our normal. At one point, I was in the kitchen which was connected to the living room and I was half-way cleaning as a way to control my anxiety during our loud arguing. I must've dropped an aerosol spray can on the carpet and it made a little thud--next thing I knew:
Jerry started hollering and yelling about how he couldn't take it anymore, he ran passed me, punched a hole in my bedroom door, kicked a hole in my bedroom wall and then flipped over my coffee table before running out of the apartment.
I never experienced anything like that. What an adrenaline rush! I immediately locked the door and called my best friend/roommate, Rocio, and interrupted her friend date. Told her I needed her to come home right away--it was an emergency.
Well--Dave's SmartCar? That wind up getting crashed into my apartment complexes dumpster. I, to this day, have no idea why Jerry ran it into that dumpster but I do know that it was intentional. He had actually left the complex and come back to run into it.
I heard the crash and screaming outside. I ran outside. My co-dependency bells are ringing! It was a dramatic moment. A neighbor called 911 and the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office arrived quickly. I remember them questioning Jerry and then making him pour out open vodka before they departed. No citation was given and no police report was filed. I told one officer of the situation in the apartment and the property destruction and also, that I did not feel particularly safe. He told me that sometimes people do crazy things when they're angry. The police left and so did Jerry.
I wish I could tell you this was where I left him!
Nah! We talked and he convinced me to let him come over. I know Rocio didn't like it--but what was she to do? And just like that, he sweet talked his way back into my life.
Around this time--he had moved to an apartment in Temple Terrace since Dave naturally threw him out of the boujie apartment. I started to realize Dave had the money--Dave financed our fancy and boujie dates. Thanks Dave. I did enjoy the money and glamour and I won't pretend I didn't but that wasn't ultimately why I was with Jerry. So--it wasn't a dealbreaker. The lying, cheating and property damage should have been but hey.
Our relationship grew and we had many lovely dates but also many tulmutous fights. He wasn't working. He was going to school full-time and got G.I. bill. But I was paying for most of the dates and activities on my lowly salary. I eventually had to pick up a second job to keep us afloat, working overnight at a gas station on top of my retail schedule. I was tired.
And with me working almost 24/7, fatigued and getting no emotional or financial support from Jerry--that's when I left him. Lol, just kidding! Instead--we agreed to move in with each other. Rocio moved in with us as well to this 1,000 sq ft apartment called The Commons. I loved it!
It was my first time living with a boyfriend. And it didn't take long for the living situation to be nothing but fighting.
Oh--and it wouldn't be a story of a manipulator if I didn't tell you how many times Jerry accused me both directly and indirectly of cheating. Constantly passively implying it or outright saying it--he would pull up and check on me at work, call me all the time, unless he was out late with no explanation. Sometimes he wouldn't come home until 3 or 4 in the morning. I remember having seen suspicious text messages. Oh, and then I found him on Plenty of Fish, a dating website. He told me, of course, that he made it as a joke with a friend--and I naturally believed it because it made so much sense!
But I'll never forget this one.
One day, after coming home from drill, he told me he got tested--and they found gonorehea in his rectum. His angle was of course, I, the grand master cheating ho top of Tampa, had infected him! I knew it wasn't possible because I hadn't slept with anyone else. But I knew I could have gotten it from him, so I went to Planned Parenthood to get tested. It took two weeks and it was grueling. When my test came back, it was completely negative of all STIs. Hah! I remember my big "gotcha!" You couldn't have gotten it from me! I didn't have it in the first place. So, he told me that the military health clinic messed up and it was a false positive. But what fool would believe that?
And that's when I left him.
No just kidding! I was indoctrinated at this point. I not only stayed in it but we moved again, this time without Rocio, who moved on to be with who is now her husband. We moved to New Tampa--far away from everyone.
I hated our new apartment. I hated my commute and I think I started to hate him.
I always had a problem with over-induldging and being a chaotic drunkard but during this time period, I really started acting out. I wanted to escape so badly. I was getting black out drunk on a regular basis and causing scuffles, flailing arms and stumbling galore. Jerry used this as ammunition as to why I was a terrible boyfriend--and definitely a cheater. Since I couldn't fully remember my evenings, it was a great way to sell a story that I was out doing questionable things. Also known as the things he was doing.
I'm not claiming I was an angel. I was a whole hot mess. I definitely got amorous and flirty while drinking but I never cheated. As much as Jerry wanted me to be a cheater, I never did. I might as well have though considering he still carries on that accusation today. If I had, at this point, I'd just admit it--but I hadn't.
The relationship started to get to a point where there weren't even anymore good times. There was no fun times to balance out the misery anymore. The sex wasn't worth it anymore. I was isolated. He complained about being around my friends.
I remember Jerry had a gun. He was all about war and guns. He kept the gun under his pillow--in case of robbery. Talked about wanting to use it in a break-in.
I'm not sure at what point in time it clicked in my mind--but I was no longer staying with him because of co-dependent love. I was staying with him because I was absolutely afraid of him. With him going off the handle early on in our relationship and slaughtering my drywall, I certainly could envision that one night, I'd drink too much or he'd get over suspicious that I was "out cheating" and that I'd be the one he used the gun on. He never did nor did he threaten me with it--but the fear was there nonetheless.
Around September 2014, two and a half brutal and miserable years later, he came from drill and told me he wanted to breakup. I remember he was mad I didn't cry or fight him on it. We agreed to ride out the lease but that did not happen. Somehow, without my consent, he broke the lease and with less than three days notice, I had to move out. Luckily, Joey and friends let me move in with them and I would stay in the Bone family house from 2014 until my sister in law's death in 2017.
I had a reckless year still acting up in my old, poisoning myself ways throughout 2015--but I started to calm down and heal. Regrettably, I did not give myself enough time to heal and had a couple of relationships that were short and emotionally harmful throughout the year. Then in December 2015, without looking for it, I'd fall in love the second time with someone else. That one didn't work out either--but overall, it was much healthier and I can remember it much more fondly, for the most part--sometimes things just don't work out. It is what it is.
Third times the charm perhaps--now I'm with my guy and it's healthy. It's loving. It's kind. I'm different than I was in 2012 at 23 or in 2014 at 25. The scars Jerry left for me are still very visible and real.
I share this story not my sympathy nor to drag Jerry. I couldn't care less about Jerry--and honestly, I forgave him anyway and that's my choice. I won't reconcile with him or be his friend but I forgive him. Shit, it happened. It's over. I never have to deal with him again.
But I know why people stay. And sometimes people who are acting out are people who need to get out--it doesn't excuse their--or in my case--my toxic behavior--but there are often underlying reasons.
If you know who Jerry is based on the details of this story, there's no reason to say so. Keep it moving. I just needed to account for this story of my life so I could own the narrative and I could reflect on it as I age. Perhaps there's someone out there who needs to hear it. If you're the me--please get out--and if you're the Jerry, by God, get the help you need and stop harming people--come clean now and reform. Please.
Monday, February 18, 2019
Making the Best of Your First Day
The first day at a new job can be an intimidating and uneasy experience, even for the most extroverted among us. New setting, new management, new environment! There is plenty to be anxious about and it's totally justified. However, I think there are some simple tricks that will make the first day jitters slightly less overwhelming.
1. Plan Out Your Route
Take the time before the first day of work to plan out your route to work. The last thing you want to do on the first day is stress out about being late or getting lost. Be sure you know EXACTLY where you are going. If possible, do a test drive the day before. Just do not forgot to account for traffic.
It'll be a good idea to...
2. Leave Earlier than Normal on the First Day
Even if the GPS says it takes 10 minutes to get work, try leaving a little bit earlier on the first day. It's better to arrive with time to kill than to get lost, not be able to find parking or get caught behind an overturned truck on the first day. Arriving early and with time to spare is a good way to walk in with a bit more ease on day one.
Just make sure that you...
3. Get a Good Night's Sleep Beforehand
Sleeping is not an easy task for me especially when I am anxious. Do your best! Try to get at least eight full hours of restful sleep. Turn off your electronics and find something that soothes you so you can relax.
But before you go to bed, be sure to...
4. Prepare for the Morning the Night Before
Pick out your outfit. Make sure it's ironed and neat. Prepare breakfast; make sure it's something you can easily heat up and then consume in the morning. Make sure all your morning coffee and other necessities are easily accessible--the last thing you want to do before entering a brand new environment is to be lost in chaos in your own environment.
And I did mention breakfast, so...
5. Make Sure You are Well Nourished
Eating when I am anxious is difficult--but it's worth it. Even if you have to eat small or settle for a breakfast shake, make sure you're not going in on an empty stomach. Hunger increases anxiety and you are less likely to be able to focus, which you'll need to do plenty of on your first day, if you're hungry.
And it's good idea to...
6. Dress to Impress
Even if on the interview they've told you that it is a casual working environment, consider dressing up as you would on an interview (or maybe a tier below) on the first day. As silly as it sounds, it will help relieve the anxiety of being under-dressed, especially since everyone's definition of casual is quite different. You'll feel slightly more professional and more at ease--and it gives you time to examine just exactly what the dress code is really like, so you can see for yourself. Obviously if you're working somewhere with a uniform and you have that, wear that but make sure it is clean, ironed and ready to go!
It isn't easy being the new kid on the block and if you already suffer from anxiety, the first day can be daunting. While nothing will totally eliminate the first day nerves, hopefully you find yourself slightly more prepared and at ease by following these tips. What are some first day tips you'd like to offer?
1. Plan Out Your Route
Take the time before the first day of work to plan out your route to work. The last thing you want to do on the first day is stress out about being late or getting lost. Be sure you know EXACTLY where you are going. If possible, do a test drive the day before. Just do not forgot to account for traffic.
It'll be a good idea to...
2. Leave Earlier than Normal on the First Day
Even if the GPS says it takes 10 minutes to get work, try leaving a little bit earlier on the first day. It's better to arrive with time to kill than to get lost, not be able to find parking or get caught behind an overturned truck on the first day. Arriving early and with time to spare is a good way to walk in with a bit more ease on day one.
Just make sure that you...
3. Get a Good Night's Sleep Beforehand
Sleeping is not an easy task for me especially when I am anxious. Do your best! Try to get at least eight full hours of restful sleep. Turn off your electronics and find something that soothes you so you can relax.
But before you go to bed, be sure to...
4. Prepare for the Morning the Night Before
Pick out your outfit. Make sure it's ironed and neat. Prepare breakfast; make sure it's something you can easily heat up and then consume in the morning. Make sure all your morning coffee and other necessities are easily accessible--the last thing you want to do before entering a brand new environment is to be lost in chaos in your own environment.
And I did mention breakfast, so...
5. Make Sure You are Well Nourished
Eating when I am anxious is difficult--but it's worth it. Even if you have to eat small or settle for a breakfast shake, make sure you're not going in on an empty stomach. Hunger increases anxiety and you are less likely to be able to focus, which you'll need to do plenty of on your first day, if you're hungry.
And it's good idea to...
6. Dress to Impress
Even if on the interview they've told you that it is a casual working environment, consider dressing up as you would on an interview (or maybe a tier below) on the first day. As silly as it sounds, it will help relieve the anxiety of being under-dressed, especially since everyone's definition of casual is quite different. You'll feel slightly more professional and more at ease--and it gives you time to examine just exactly what the dress code is really like, so you can see for yourself. Obviously if you're working somewhere with a uniform and you have that, wear that but make sure it is clean, ironed and ready to go!
It isn't easy being the new kid on the block and if you already suffer from anxiety, the first day can be daunting. While nothing will totally eliminate the first day nerves, hopefully you find yourself slightly more prepared and at ease by following these tips. What are some first day tips you'd like to offer?
Monday, February 4, 2019
Modern Solutions to the Pay Gap
Let me guess. You are cringing at the thought of talking about the gender and race pay gap in the United States. It doesn't exist--we're "post racial", women are just not good negotiators? All of that is denial and none of that will actually effect change. It's well-documented that race and gender are factors in determining pay in the workplace--and that needs to change.
Now, in theory, this change should come in the form of legislation. I believe a comprehensive federal law that implements what I am about to propose, along with other solutions, are the only way to lower the pay gap. While you can't legislate away racism nor sexism, or any other ism, you can definitely make it harder to commit.
1. Pay Transparency
Pay transparency sounds like a simple enough concept. But has your boss or supervisor ever implied "not to talk about salary?" The National Labor Relations Act prohibits policies against allowing employees to discuss salary with one another. Yet, this is deeply embedded in our culture.
It's easier to get away with inequities when the culture norm is not discuss salary. This is an example of how status quo can be maintained in a workplace--and it's wrong.
Pay transparency, however, takes it another step. If you are truly an ethical company that is not discriminating, purposefully or not, you should adopt pay transparency. One company found, as cited in the article, that it boosted employee morale and reduced bias in their pay structure. It also held management accountable to performance metrics and objectivity.
Imagine if you could pull up everyone in your department's salary in real time. Let's say Joann is a Customer Service Representative at a Call Center. She pulls up her department's salary. She's been there 3 years and makes $16. If she notices Paul who has only been there 1 year makes $18, she can then talk to her employer about it. If they're smart, they'll have a good reason handy.
Most companies likely won't adopt pay transparency because of the legal ramifications. With proof in hand, Joann now has more ammunition to file a pay inequity complaint and win. This is why I think local, state and federal legislation should be written to mandate this transparency regardless of company size.
Further. a smart company would take this measure as an opportunity to evaluate their pay structures regularly BEFORE a complaint comes forward.
In this comprehensive article, the author suggests passage of the Paycheck Fairness Act. This would effectively require employers to post the salary offered on the job listing. By advertising a pay range, say between $15-$20 an hour, we give some power into the hands of the job seeker, who are often left frustrated and unadvised of what salary expectations are offered. It would also prohibit asking questions about previous salaries, which is an old-time technique used to low-ball applicants.
2. Pay Matrix for Hiring
Pay matrixes are a tool that I am quite fond of. Take the human out of the decision and you also have a better chance of taking the bias out of the equation--although algorithms can replicate the -isms we all know so well.
A well-designed pay matrix system can also serve a dual purpose. If you use it as an interview measure, it can help track disparities in hiring, at least on objective factors. In other words, you will have a paper trail (or digi-trail?) of your rationale--which can help (or hurt) in an EEO biased hiring claim.
In short, a pay matrix is determining your pay based on a set of pre-set values which are immutable. They would need to be written to each specific position within a company and followed to the tee to be effective. It would also eliminate negotiation and counter-offering out of the equation. This way all parties know exactly what they're getting.
Say your job offering posts an offer of $15-$20 hour for a Scheduling Coordinator position in a health care agency. You would then need to create a matrix in three categories. Minimum, exceeds, maximum.
In this scenario, let's say a minimum graded item was worth $15 and a maximum graded item was worth $20. The average between the two would be the exceeds at $17.50.
Minimum would be the minimum requirement for the job. Say you require a Bachelor's degree for this position. In this scenario, the Bachelor's Degree is valued at $15, a Master's at $17.50 and a Doctorate at $20.
Because it's a matrix, you are not going to evaluate it on one single requirement. You could have licensing requirements, education, years of industry experience, years of working experience as factors. The pay you would offer would then be based upon the average of all things considered. Here's a visual example:
In the above example, the applicant's skillsets are highlighted in yellow. We see the two applicants are offered a different rate based on the differences in the skillsets they have to offer. Alicia and Maxine have the same education level and the same number of years in the health care field on the matrix but Maxine actually knows two languages, instead of one, and therefore, she is eligible for $18.33 an hour versus Alicia's $17.50. Obviously, in real life, a pay matrix would probably have more than three factors but this is to give you a general idea.
Aside from that, if these items are documented, the EEOC has ammunition if a pattern of discrimination as existing. While subjective matters can't really be aggregated the same way, it would be pretty suspicious if Maverick Maxine Shaw was not hired for this position over Alicia, because Maxine exceeds the hiring expectations. If it happens a few times, an employer might be able to get away with "subjective matters". If it keeps happening though, we have a paper trail of discrimination in the hiring process--which is mostly absent in the current processes.
And employers needn't worry about applicants lying about their experience. Companies like HireRight can go back and do job verification as well as educational degrees. They can even sort out diploma mills from accredited colleges and universities!
3. Objective Performance Evaluations
Performance evaluations can also be used as another tool to reduce racial and/or gender discrimination in the workplace. Usually when a job evaluation is based on solely or mostly subjective matters (like "professionalism") it can really reflect hardcore in the biases of a manager.
An objectives-only evaluation is the best idea to maintaining a solid, bias-free, indisputable evaluation. Aside from this, most employees don't like the performance review structures, they are prone to discrimination on identity factors and personal favoritism. They rarely feel properly represented in the work they materially do.
Now, I will say, it may not always be possible to do objective-only interviews but it can be possible in many organizations.
Attendance and punctuality are obvious. How many unexcused absences (non-pre-approved PTO absences) and how many times tardy? It's a raw number. It can be backed with facts (like a time card) and is not prone to personal biases (in most cases...).
Think about a cashier. Their performance factors could include Till Count Accuracy, Checkout Speed and Credit Card Sign Ups. Similarly to the pay matrix above, the objective can be ranked in categories. So, let's say you evaluate a cashier every six months and offer a pay tied to performance factor. For each criteria, you have a set metric that fits in each category on a ranked basis.
Here's a visual example of a couple of cashiers:
As you can see, both Cashiers are evaluated on the exact same metrics--each of which is verified by a hard number. While Archie is faster in his items per minute, he doesn't compete very well in the other categories.
Metrics like attendance and punctuality can still be harmful, however, to parents, especially mothers, who are more likely to miss work due to sick children--and also poor workers who rely on transit in unreliable cities. So it would be imperative to use it as an objective only if it's absolutely necessary--like in a customer-facing role--and to make sure you differ from excused absenteeism versus unexcused absenteeism.
4. Paid Family Leave
About one-fifth of the 20 million FMLA absences annually are due to care of a new child. As a country, the United States falls behind many other nations in our paid time off policies. Despite efforts to change the norms, women still are more likely to have work-related absences due to childcare than their male counterparts. Because of this, women are forced to take unpaid absences, which will impact their annual salaries, at much higher rates, and this greatly contributes to the pay gap in the workforce. In Italy, new mothers can take paid leave up to eight weeks before childbirth and twelve weeks after, at an 80% rate of their normal weekly salary. (Of course, this will still create some gap but much less) In Kenya, new mothers are granted a full 90 days of pay for maternity. Denmark has an interesting and complex paid leave program that alternates between parents but totals about 52 weeks overall.
Further, it should be clear that absenteeism, such as FMLA approved absences, do not count as a performance metric, especially when it can be validated by a doctor's note. Doing so will not only increase morale and workplace health, it will also reduce the likelihood of discriminatory pay or employment disparities.
What are some ideas you would propose to reduce pay discrimination due to race and/or gender in the workplace? Comment below
Now, in theory, this change should come in the form of legislation. I believe a comprehensive federal law that implements what I am about to propose, along with other solutions, are the only way to lower the pay gap. While you can't legislate away racism nor sexism, or any other ism, you can definitely make it harder to commit.
1. Pay Transparency
Pay transparency sounds like a simple enough concept. But has your boss or supervisor ever implied "not to talk about salary?" The National Labor Relations Act prohibits policies against allowing employees to discuss salary with one another. Yet, this is deeply embedded in our culture.
It's easier to get away with inequities when the culture norm is not discuss salary. This is an example of how status quo can be maintained in a workplace--and it's wrong.
Pay transparency, however, takes it another step. If you are truly an ethical company that is not discriminating, purposefully or not, you should adopt pay transparency. One company found, as cited in the article, that it boosted employee morale and reduced bias in their pay structure. It also held management accountable to performance metrics and objectivity.
Imagine if you could pull up everyone in your department's salary in real time. Let's say Joann is a Customer Service Representative at a Call Center. She pulls up her department's salary. She's been there 3 years and makes $16. If she notices Paul who has only been there 1 year makes $18, she can then talk to her employer about it. If they're smart, they'll have a good reason handy.
Most companies likely won't adopt pay transparency because of the legal ramifications. With proof in hand, Joann now has more ammunition to file a pay inequity complaint and win. This is why I think local, state and federal legislation should be written to mandate this transparency regardless of company size.
Further. a smart company would take this measure as an opportunity to evaluate their pay structures regularly BEFORE a complaint comes forward.
In this comprehensive article, the author suggests passage of the Paycheck Fairness Act. This would effectively require employers to post the salary offered on the job listing. By advertising a pay range, say between $15-$20 an hour, we give some power into the hands of the job seeker, who are often left frustrated and unadvised of what salary expectations are offered. It would also prohibit asking questions about previous salaries, which is an old-time technique used to low-ball applicants.
2. Pay Matrix for Hiring
Pay matrixes are a tool that I am quite fond of. Take the human out of the decision and you also have a better chance of taking the bias out of the equation--although algorithms can replicate the -isms we all know so well.
A well-designed pay matrix system can also serve a dual purpose. If you use it as an interview measure, it can help track disparities in hiring, at least on objective factors. In other words, you will have a paper trail (or digi-trail?) of your rationale--which can help (or hurt) in an EEO biased hiring claim.
In short, a pay matrix is determining your pay based on a set of pre-set values which are immutable. They would need to be written to each specific position within a company and followed to the tee to be effective. It would also eliminate negotiation and counter-offering out of the equation. This way all parties know exactly what they're getting.
Say your job offering posts an offer of $15-$20 hour for a Scheduling Coordinator position in a health care agency. You would then need to create a matrix in three categories. Minimum, exceeds, maximum.
In this scenario, let's say a minimum graded item was worth $15 and a maximum graded item was worth $20. The average between the two would be the exceeds at $17.50.
Minimum would be the minimum requirement for the job. Say you require a Bachelor's degree for this position. In this scenario, the Bachelor's Degree is valued at $15, a Master's at $17.50 and a Doctorate at $20.
Because it's a matrix, you are not going to evaluate it on one single requirement. You could have licensing requirements, education, years of industry experience, years of working experience as factors. The pay you would offer would then be based upon the average of all things considered. Here's a visual example:
In the above example, the applicant's skillsets are highlighted in yellow. We see the two applicants are offered a different rate based on the differences in the skillsets they have to offer. Alicia and Maxine have the same education level and the same number of years in the health care field on the matrix but Maxine actually knows two languages, instead of one, and therefore, she is eligible for $18.33 an hour versus Alicia's $17.50. Obviously, in real life, a pay matrix would probably have more than three factors but this is to give you a general idea.
Aside from that, if these items are documented, the EEOC has ammunition if a pattern of discrimination as existing. While subjective matters can't really be aggregated the same way, it would be pretty suspicious if Maverick Maxine Shaw was not hired for this position over Alicia, because Maxine exceeds the hiring expectations. If it happens a few times, an employer might be able to get away with "subjective matters". If it keeps happening though, we have a paper trail of discrimination in the hiring process--which is mostly absent in the current processes.
And employers needn't worry about applicants lying about their experience. Companies like HireRight can go back and do job verification as well as educational degrees. They can even sort out diploma mills from accredited colleges and universities!
3. Objective Performance Evaluations
Performance evaluations can also be used as another tool to reduce racial and/or gender discrimination in the workplace. Usually when a job evaluation is based on solely or mostly subjective matters (like "professionalism") it can really reflect hardcore in the biases of a manager.
An objectives-only evaluation is the best idea to maintaining a solid, bias-free, indisputable evaluation. Aside from this, most employees don't like the performance review structures, they are prone to discrimination on identity factors and personal favoritism. They rarely feel properly represented in the work they materially do.
Now, I will say, it may not always be possible to do objective-only interviews but it can be possible in many organizations.
Attendance and punctuality are obvious. How many unexcused absences (non-pre-approved PTO absences) and how many times tardy? It's a raw number. It can be backed with facts (like a time card) and is not prone to personal biases (in most cases...).
Think about a cashier. Their performance factors could include Till Count Accuracy, Checkout Speed and Credit Card Sign Ups. Similarly to the pay matrix above, the objective can be ranked in categories. So, let's say you evaluate a cashier every six months and offer a pay tied to performance factor. For each criteria, you have a set metric that fits in each category on a ranked basis.
Here's a visual example of a couple of cashiers:
Metrics like attendance and punctuality can still be harmful, however, to parents, especially mothers, who are more likely to miss work due to sick children--and also poor workers who rely on transit in unreliable cities. So it would be imperative to use it as an objective only if it's absolutely necessary--like in a customer-facing role--and to make sure you differ from excused absenteeism versus unexcused absenteeism.
4. Paid Family Leave
About one-fifth of the 20 million FMLA absences annually are due to care of a new child. As a country, the United States falls behind many other nations in our paid time off policies. Despite efforts to change the norms, women still are more likely to have work-related absences due to childcare than their male counterparts. Because of this, women are forced to take unpaid absences, which will impact their annual salaries, at much higher rates, and this greatly contributes to the pay gap in the workforce. In Italy, new mothers can take paid leave up to eight weeks before childbirth and twelve weeks after, at an 80% rate of their normal weekly salary. (Of course, this will still create some gap but much less) In Kenya, new mothers are granted a full 90 days of pay for maternity. Denmark has an interesting and complex paid leave program that alternates between parents but totals about 52 weeks overall.
Further, it should be clear that absenteeism, such as FMLA approved absences, do not count as a performance metric, especially when it can be validated by a doctor's note. Doing so will not only increase morale and workplace health, it will also reduce the likelihood of discriminatory pay or employment disparities.
What are some ideas you would propose to reduce pay discrimination due to race and/or gender in the workplace? Comment below
Monday, January 28, 2019
Stonewall Uprisings: 6 Activists Who Made History
History has an amazing and profound impact on how we move through society. As a gay teenager, I was never taught about the queer and trans movement work and if any gay figures were mentioned, their gayness surely wasn't. Bayard Rustin wasn't talked about in the Civil Rights Movement and I certainly never heard of Larry Kramer or ACT-UP. I figured we didn't have a history. My image of gay life was pretty much what it was for me as a teenager: closeted, miserable and irrelevant to society.
It would be a major fallacy to pretend gay rights in the United States began in 1969. It would ignore history and resistance, both subtle and loud, throughout the land. It would ignore the Compton Cafeteria Riots, the gay men's sip-ins and the many who risked their lives and liberty to challenge college campus lavender scares. However, the Stonewall Riots is certainly a pinpoint in history of change in the making. Every year, in June, we celebrate Pride Month to commemorate the Stonewall riots, although it has certainly been corporatized and far removed from its origins now.
Marsha P. Johnson
Like Marsha, in late 1969, Jerry took the uprising and joined the Gay Liberation Front--hellbent on radical change for the gay community, politically and socially.
Gay Liberation Front was radical in it's essence, with the goal of challenging everything from masculinity, monogamy, gender roles and even the church itself. Jerry was particular to engaging in cruising--a term designated usually for gay men who met with other men in specific hook up spots. During such engagements, Jerry and members of the GLF would pass out political information to politicize the gay and bi+ men in the encounters.
Jerry was also known to hang around Christopher Street, monitoring the area for police and providing a warning to the street workers to be on the lookout.
When the Gay Liberation Front decided to start a dance troupe, Jerry was one of the organizers delegated the task and such Alternate U was born. Alternate U was a refreshing alternative to the bar scene and was a totally queer space, circumventing the control of the Italian Mafia. It welcomed men and women to come and dance with one another in a free space. For many queer people who attended, it was the first time they could love freely in any type of public space, a moment that Jerry believed brought that glimmer of hope into the eyes of many more. Naturally, GLF always managed to put together political aspects of each event. This information is according to Out for Good by Dudley C. and Adam N.
As the hands of time took their toll, Jerry became vocal of the ageism he saw in his beloved community. He began to focus his efforts on SAGE, or Services and Advocacy for GLBT Elderly. Part of these efforts included panel discussions designed to educate the youth on the history of the Stonewall Uprising and the efforts that occurred after.
In 2015, Jerry passed away at the age of 69, reportedly with the same "loud Brooklyn accent" he had always held.
Storme' Delarverie
"Move along, faggot." an NYPD officer yelled to her. As usual, she was dressed in male garb and as such was addressed as a gay man.
After witnessing her friend being assaulted, she is said to have threw a punch at an officer, which led to an arrest.
With her handcuffs too tight, she began to voice her concerns to the NYPD, who responded by hitting her with a baton. "Why don't you guys do something about this?" she yelled to the gay men on the block. And they did! Her vocalization is said to have moved many from fear to action.
After the bustle, she later served on the Stonewall Veteran's Association and as a lead member of New York Pride. Not a long time later, her girlfriend Diana passed away and it is said that Storme' continued to carry her picture everywhere she went. Not afraid to defend herself--or her baby girls, as she called the lesbian community--she had a gun permit and patrolled the streets in the 1980's, checking to make sure no men or police were causing any trouble. In an essence, she was often considered a guardian of sorts for queer women.
“She literally walked the streets of downtown Manhattan like a gay superhero,” [Lisa]. Cannistraci said. “She was not to be messed with by any stretch of the imagination.”
She served as a bouncer, a role she continued until she was 85.
In 2010, she had moved into a nursing home and was diagnosed with dementia. In May 2014, at the age of 93, she passed away and left behind an amazing and critical legacy.
In October of 2010, Raymond died at the age of 68.
There are many other wonderful individuals who were involved in the riots who continued to do work thereafter and their stories should all be heard and told. Surely, eventually, I will do a follow-up piece on another six!
 |
| A black and white image of several gay, lesbian, bi+ and trans resisters outside of historic Stonewall Inn. |
Like all aspects of history, the Stonewall Riots has been dragged through convenient told tales that fit narratives and agendas. It has been whitewashed and ciswashed. The fact that many resisters were sex workers (called "hustlers" then) is ignored. The very fact that it was a riot and an uprising, in which the state, represented through the New York Police Department were the antagonists and met with force, is often downplayed or ignored. This is why police at pride is a subject of much discussion, especially by Stonewall Veterans themselves.
Below, I am going to explore six Stonewall Veteran's and their legacies, before and beyond Stonewall itself. Stonewall was a moment in time, albeit a very important one, it does us justice to continue learning about historic key figures beyond their most infamous moments (ex: Rosa Parks work in Detroit is super important--but we seldom hear about more than the Montgomery Bus Boycott.)
We also must remember that each Stonewall veteran, like all other activists, are human beings, with existences BEYOND their activism, likes and dislikes, personality flaws, bad days, etc. It is important to not dehumanize activists by idolizing them beyond the possibility of flaw. Also, be advised, that below is not an exhaustive list. Everyone involved in the events that took place is important but only six are featured here today.
Marsha P. Johnson
A black transgender drag queen, known in part for throwing a brick at New York Police Department.
Marsha "Pay It No Mind" Johnson was born in Elizabeth, New Jersey on August 24, 1945 and would later be known lovingly as the "Mayor of Christopher Street'. Christopher Street is part of the gay district in historic Greenwich Village and Johnson was known to be a warm and welcoming voice to those traveling down Christopher Street. Known to sometimes have a hot temper, she ultimately had a servant's heart and a fiery passion for liberation. As with many drag performers, she was known to be quick-wit, sharp with the tongue and quite humorous. Extremely generous, if you complimented her shawl or her bracelet, she was known to hand it to you and tell you how good it looked on you as well.
In her own words, Marsha describes what Stonewall was and the beginning of the riots. At first, Stonewall was an exclusive men's only club but they eventually opened up to women. Once they started drag shows, Marsha boasts she was one of the first performers to hit the stage! In her experience, usually people did not get arrested in the raids at this particular club (its Mafia owners usually paid off the police), so Stonewall Riots night itself was particularly intriguing. That day, on June 28, 1969, according to Marsha, she was uptown when she got word that there was a "disturbance" happening at Stonewall. The resistance began at 1:20 a.m. and Marsha stepped on the scene at around 2 a.m. David Carter, author of Stonewall: The Riots That Sparked the Gay Revolution, credits Marsha as one of the three most pivotal activists to push the Stonewall riots into a gay rights revolution. Many accounts have stated it was, in fact, Marsha that threw a brick toward the New York Police Department, in an act of defiant resistance. Previous claims also indicated she threw a shot glass through a window, dubbed "the shot glass heard around the world".
In late 1969, Marsha was founding member of the Gay Liberation Front, an organization established by Morris Kight. Marsha found acceptance within this organization among ridicule from others, with its own newspaper, known as Come Out, stating:
“Gay Liberation Front welcomes any gay person, regardless of sex, race, age or social behavior. Though some other gay organizations may be embarrassed by drags or transvestites*, GLF believes that we should accept all of our brothers and sisters unconditionally."
*transvestites was not a slur when used within the community in 1970.
In 1970, along with Sylvia Rivera, Marsha Johnson created Street Transvestites Action Revolutionaries, an organization for "street gay [and transgender] people" and "anyone in need". Marsha herself was a sex worker, as was Sylvia, and the two of them often used sex work as a means to an end for not only themselves but for the youth they supported. Their goals were to ensure the safety and dignity of the often-excluded queer and trans youth and give them guidance. STAR itself has been used a blueprint for many modern-day LGBTQ homeless initiatives. STAR was also a caucus of the Gay Liberation Front.
In August of 1970, through GLF, Marsha co-organized a sit-in at the Weinstein Hall. According to Sylvia Rivera, a co-organizer, the group took over the Weinstein Hall for a period of three days because the plug was going to be pulled on a show that was scheduled because it was to feature queer performers.
It was out of this act of defiance, that STAR was born. Here's the official statement of the direct action by the activists, as seen from this page.
At some point around this time, Marsha was arrested for assaulting two police officers, in which she hit them over the head with a handbag, allegedly containing bricks in them. She was also arrested for "prostitution". 10-20 community members met in the courthouse to support her as she faced a woman judge. At the time, women judges were known to be animus to trans women particularly. Marsha appeared in a dress but no wig, while the the officers, described as two big bulky cops, appeared in bandages with black eyes. When asked why she was "prostituting", she exclaimed she needed a tombstone for her husband, who was "shot by pigs". When asked why she assaulted the officers, she states they had not identified themselves and as such, she had thought she was being robbed (not an unusual experience for trans or drag queens in New York). Unfortunately, Marsha was given 90 days for this incident. You can watch a video of this being described by a friend who attended the courthouse here.
In 1978, in a bid to respectability politics and cisnormativity, gay, lesbian and bi+ cisgender organizers did their best to exclude Marsha and Sylvia Rivera from a gay pride march. This was a move that was met with little success, as the duo jolted passed the tape and to the front of the line, proudly strutting off and posing for the cameras, in honor of the work they had contributed.
Throughout the 1980's, Marsha continued her activism. Resilient as she had always been, Marsha performed important work for the revolutionary AIDS crisis response group, known as ACT-UP, which formed amidst a sea of death in 1987. During this time, Marsha worked alongside a community suffering both physically and emotionally into forcing radical change, through the form of mutual aid health care, illegal retro-viral medications, education and protest. In 1990, she herself was diagnosed as HIV positive.
Marsha died on July 6, 1992. Although the New York Police Department ruled her death a suicide, the community did not agree with this. Randy Wicker, her long-time friend and roommate since about 1980, among others, formed a community vigil and began their own investigation efforts but were met with adversity and resistance from the authorities.
In regard to the statues placed in Christopher Park to honor the gay movement, Marsha had this to say: ""Now they got two little nice statues in Chariot Park to remember the gay movement. How many people have died for these two little statues to be put in the park for them to recognize gay people? How many years has it taken people to realize that we are all brothers and sisters and human beings in the human race? I mean how many years does it take people to see that? We're all in this rat race together!"
Fun fact: She was also part of the New York avant-drag performance group, the Hot Peaches!
Jerry Hoose
Jerry Hoose was different than many of the gay men of his time. Born in 1945 and into a world where upward of 99% of gay men stayed in the closet for safety, Jerry was already out and proud by 1969. He spent much of his social life perusing Christopher Street, drinking at Stonewall and eating at the Silver Dollar. Self-described as a wild guy, he hopped between boyfriend to boyfriend but found peace in the consistency that the gay scene had to offer. Having embraced his gayness since the age of 12, he had always dreamed of living in the glamorous Greenwich Village, which eventually came true
In an interview, Jerry describes the night that would historically become the Stonewall Uprising. June 28, 1969. Similarly to Marsha, he wasn't on the scene quite at 1:20 AM when it happened--rather, he got a call from a beloved friend who urged him to run to the scene! He says it took him 40 minutes, so he arrived at 2:00am (or just after) and recalls seeing Marsha and other drag queens fiercely in the moment of tension, singing the famous "We are the Stonewall Girls" song.
One of the most interesting memories Jerry holds was, as he described, a self-loathing gay man interfering with the riot and restraining a gay rioter, holding him toward the New York Police Department to help the NYPD control the situation.
Jerry also remembers trying to gather the crowd to march to city hall--but they weren't so much interested in that! Or perhaps they hadn't heard him among the chaos.
In his own words, Jerry recalled that the Stonewall Uprising was his first glimmer of hope as a gay man. He spoke of how often men like him were left to be humiliated and attacked by the NYPD and the public and how helpless he often felt, with no one jumping in or fighting back. He also recounted that, the night of at least, politics or even revolution wasn't on the forefront of his mind--rather, unveiling years of anguish and anger took center.
Like Marsha, in late 1969, Jerry took the uprising and joined the Gay Liberation Front--hellbent on radical change for the gay community, politically and socially.
Gay Liberation Front was radical in it's essence, with the goal of challenging everything from masculinity, monogamy, gender roles and even the church itself. Jerry was particular to engaging in cruising--a term designated usually for gay men who met with other men in specific hook up spots. During such engagements, Jerry and members of the GLF would pass out political information to politicize the gay and bi+ men in the encounters.
Jerry was also known to hang around Christopher Street, monitoring the area for police and providing a warning to the street workers to be on the lookout.
When the Gay Liberation Front decided to start a dance troupe, Jerry was one of the organizers delegated the task and such Alternate U was born. Alternate U was a refreshing alternative to the bar scene and was a totally queer space, circumventing the control of the Italian Mafia. It welcomed men and women to come and dance with one another in a free space. For many queer people who attended, it was the first time they could love freely in any type of public space, a moment that Jerry believed brought that glimmer of hope into the eyes of many more. Naturally, GLF always managed to put together political aspects of each event. This information is according to Out for Good by Dudley C. and Adam N.
As the hands of time took their toll, Jerry became vocal of the ageism he saw in his beloved community. He began to focus his efforts on SAGE, or Services and Advocacy for GLBT Elderly. Part of these efforts included panel discussions designed to educate the youth on the history of the Stonewall Uprising and the efforts that occurred after.
In 2015, Jerry passed away at the age of 69, reportedly with the same "loud Brooklyn accent" he had always held.
Storme' Delarverie
"Why don't you guys do something about it?!"
Storme' was a radical activist, lesbian and drag king performer, known to many as the catalyst to the Stonewall Uprising in her efforts to physically resist. Born December 24, 1920, at least she thinks, because due to anti-interracial mixing laws, she was never issued a birth certificate, in New Orleans, she was the daughter of white father and black mother, certainly not a popular mixing in the 1920's South. As a result of this, she faced much bullying by her peers.
As a child, she participated in the Ringling Brothers Circus, where she was an avid horse rider, a role she took part in until she was injured in a fall. Near the age of eighteen, she reconciled with herself that she was a lesbian.
During the 1940's, Storme' explored her musical talent as a singer for a jazz band. Throughout the 1950's, Storme' performed as a drag king, though the term was popularly known as male impersonator at the time. A trendsetter of sorts, her willingness to publicly dress in a masculine form gave the courage to other lesbians to do the same. Plus, she had the support of the love of her life, her partner Diana.
Storme' particularly hated the designation of "Stonewall riots" and preferred the term rebellion instead.
"Move along, faggot." an NYPD officer yelled to her. As usual, she was dressed in male garb and as such was addressed as a gay man.
After witnessing her friend being assaulted, she is said to have threw a punch at an officer, which led to an arrest.
With her handcuffs too tight, she began to voice her concerns to the NYPD, who responded by hitting her with a baton. "Why don't you guys do something about this?" she yelled to the gay men on the block. And they did! Her vocalization is said to have moved many from fear to action.
After the bustle, she later served on the Stonewall Veteran's Association and as a lead member of New York Pride. Not a long time later, her girlfriend Diana passed away and it is said that Storme' continued to carry her picture everywhere she went. Not afraid to defend herself--or her baby girls, as she called the lesbian community--she had a gun permit and patrolled the streets in the 1980's, checking to make sure no men or police were causing any trouble. In an essence, she was often considered a guardian of sorts for queer women.
“She literally walked the streets of downtown Manhattan like a gay superhero,” [Lisa]. Cannistraci said. “She was not to be messed with by any stretch of the imagination.”
She served as a bouncer, a role she continued until she was 85.
In 2010, she had moved into a nursing home and was diagnosed with dementia. In May 2014, at the age of 93, she passed away and left behind an amazing and critical legacy.
Thomas Lanigan-Schmidt
Thomas Lanigan-Schmidt was born in Elizabeth, New Jersey in 1948. An artist--he was a student of Pratt Institute in New York City in 1966 but was rejected for a higher education at Cooper Union for admitting to being openly gay in his admission papers.
In an interview, he discussed knowing he was gay but lacking the language to describe it. He did not find any type of organization or cause to help him approach being gay until New York--but he could not find himself aligning with the stuffy, respectable crowd at the Mattachine Society. As a self-described street kid, he find it impossible to relate to their reality.
When discussing his fellow street gays, he recalls that it was very hard to "box them in" general terms. Many of them faced horrible abuse at the hands of their parents and had runaway, others had been forced out onto the streets. Many were on the defense and ready to fight, even at the tap of a shoulder.
Already situated outside due to the high volume of attendees on June 28, 1969, Thomas missed the inside scuffles but bore witness to the movement as it was born on the exterior of Stonewall Inn. Similarly to Jerry, he found this moment to a beacon of hope and the come-uppance of the gay community. In this moment, Thomas says, "he saw the light".
While he is not a world renowned artist, he has certainly had his share of critical acclaim for his work. He produced art throughout the 1970s, often depicting queerness sometimes even integrated with Christianity. He has appeared in documentaries both about Stonewall and his art.
As of the time of this writing, he is still living.
Raymond Castro
I didn't know I was going to be part of history!
Raymond Castro is a native of Puerto Rico and was present inside Stonewall on June 28, 1969. Little did he know he would be part of history! Unlike the aforementioned Stonewall Veterans, Castro was actually arrested and detained by New York Police Department that fateful day.
He didn't go in the paddywagon without a fight though. Probably incentived by Storme's appeal earlier, he fought the NYPD off as much as he could--but unfortunately, they restrained him. In fact, the officer even exclaimed, "you must be some kind of animal!"
As early as his teenage years, he can recall perusing Christopher Street with a group of friends from fashion design--where he would mingle and associate with other queer people. He fondly remembers the bars, including Stonewall, as a positive place where you could listen to popular music and watch people dance with members of the same gender, somewhat freely. That was, except of course, prior to a raid when the light warning lights would chime on.
Yet, that June 28, 1969, time stood still as the events unfolded. While stuck inside facing arrest, he can recall the unison of chanting from the outside resisters, yelling for pigs to go home and throwing loose change.
Raymond continued to be as involved in gay activism as he could be. He spent a happy 30+ years with his partner Frankie and migrated to Florida, living near the City of Tampa.
This was a far stretch from the double life he had lived for so many years. Trying to fit in a heteronormative life, he married in 1962 at the age of 20 but had no children. They both knew there was no love in their relationship but for Raymond it made life much easier to have a picture of a wife to show off.
In October of 2010, Raymond died at the age of 68.
Yvonne "Butch" Ritter
Born in 1951 to a Roman Catholic Brooklyn family, Yvonne is a transgender woman. In June 1969, homosexual sex and "crossdressing" was illegal in every state except Illinois. As such, Yvonne was no stranger to police harassment and raids. She had just turned 18 on June 27, 1969 and was out celebrating her birthday that evening. Dressing in what she called drag at the time, she often worried about facing arrest for being herself if she was clocked--though she continued to do so.
Yvonne recounts stories of seeing the white warning light trigger on--that's when you had to make sure you weren't dancing with anyone of the same gender and that your hands were visible, lest you become accused of doing something you shouldn't with your hands out of sight.
Interestingly, Yvonne can recall some of the gay men discussing Judy Garland's funeral. This is relevant because some historians believe-although without solid evidence-that Judy Garland's death ignited some of the rage and fight in the gay community.
"How am I gonna explain this: in my mother's dress?" she stewed from the paddywagon, having been one of the "crossdressers" taken into custody by the New York Police Department. That's when she heard the sound of loose change being thrown at the paddywagon and the racket from the resistance outside.
After transitioning, she went to college where she later became nurse. As a nurse, she spent much of the 1980's providing compassionate care to gay men who fell victim to the AIDS Crisis in a time when many medical professionals turned away such patients.
As of this writing, Yvonne is still living.
There are many other wonderful individuals who were involved in the riots who continued to do work thereafter and their stories should all be heard and told. Surely, eventually, I will do a follow-up piece on another six!
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