So at the suggestion of one of my best friends, Megan, I decided to start reading the book "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown, Ph.D., LMSW
So far I am pretty into it and I wanted to share my thoughts on Chapter 1.
Chapter 1 is called Scarcity : Looking Inside Our Culture of "Never Enough"
(pg 21) It feels good to have an explanation, especially one that conveniently makes us feel better about ourselves and places the blame on those people.
I can't tell you how much that one sentence stood out to me. It describes our society so perfectly. As long as it's someone else's fault, we can't be to blame? Because if we are to blame then that makes us vulnerable to admitting our faults and our mistakes.
(pg 21) The topic of narcissism has penetrated the social consciousness enough that most people correctly associate it with a pattern of behaviors that include grandiosity, a pervasive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. What almost no one understands is how every level of severity in this diagnosis is underpinned by shame. Which means we don't "fix it" by cutting people down to size and reminding folks of their inadequacies and smallness. Shame is more likely to be the cause of these behaviors, not the cure.
Truly, it makes perfect sense. We all deal with people who seem to be riding on this pedestal. Often times, our response is defensive and we want to bring people down a peg or seven. I'm not saying necessarily that we have to listen and take the grandiose behavior but think about it this way: when, in any case ever, has shame ever instilled change in someone? Now, take that and put it on a more macro scale. How has shaming overweight people helped fix body image? It hasn't. How has shaming the poor increased wealth? It doesn't. How does shaming addiction help substance abusers? It simply doesn't.
Shaming doesn't work. Period.
(pg 22) Labeling the problem in a way that makes it about who people are rather than choices they're making lets all of us off the hook: "Too bad. That's who I am."
All I can think of when I read this line is people who justify their behavior or actions based on their zodiac sign. "Eh, I'm a Pisces, so..."
As Brown notes, the problem of narcissism often is related to the environment, rather than hardwiring. What she is saying here is that environmental factors come to play when avoiding shame.
(pg 22) When I look at narcissism through vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose. Sometimes the simple act of humanizing problems sheds an important light on them, a light that often goes out the minute a stigmatizing label is applied.
So, what I got out of that line, was that the feeling of shame is often masked by ego. I notice it supremely in hyper-masculinity. This fear of not being manly enough is often compensated with guns, big cars and other stereotypically masculine identifying things. We've all said it about men.
It also exists in part because of our sensational society, where we admire the rich and want to be them. It is hard enough to Keep up with Joneses without trying to Keep up with the Kardashians. We enjoy their drama and their pitfalls because it makes us feel better about our ordinary lives. We often don't empathize with celebrities because to us, they are sensational. We haven't humanized them.
Ever seen that person that is always flashing their money? New cars, new phones, new gadgets, the best of everything, That is probably rooted into that deep seeded fear of being "ordinary".
(pg 26) Nostalgia is also a dangerous form of comparison. Think about how often we compare ourselves and our lives to a memory that nostalgia has so completely edited that it never really existed: "Remember when..." "Those were the days..."
This is probably my biggest offender in my life. I do often reflect to a time where this or that. It can be daunting! Living in the past at a seemingly grander time can make the present very challenging. In fact, I have to be real with myself most of the time, it wasn't really that much greater then and I didn't feel so grand then, so why does my nostalgia make me feel so grand about it now?
(pg 27) Worrying about scarcity is our culture's version of post-traumatic stress. It happens when we've been through too much, and rather than coming together to heal (which requires vulnerability), we're angry and scared and at each other's throats. it's not just the larger culture that's suffering: I found the same dynamics playing out in the family culture. And they all share the same formula of shame, comparison and disengagement. Scarcity bubbles up from these conditions and perpetuates them until a critical mass of people start making different choices and reshaping the smaller cultures they belong to.
I really love how she delved into family culture. I have seen these type of family dynamics. Families that lack love and empathy towards one another. Often times, I bet if you really dug deep, you would find shame at the root of it. Shame that they didn't make it here or there or aren't where they should be. Instead of reconciling it, many times families just decide to disengage and their situations become hopeless and further disconnected from one another.
(pg 29) The counter approach to living in scarcity is not about abundance. In fact, i think abundance and scarcity are two sides of the same coin. The opposite of "never enough" isn't abundance or "more than you could ever imagine". The opposite of scarcity is enough, or what I call wholeheartedness.
This really spoke to me. I think it's really a conversation about balance. The old saying goes, money doesn't buy happiness. Looking at this sentence from a money standpoint, we know that it doesn't buy happiness. We know an overabundance of it will not fulfill our lives. However, a complete lack of it, or scarcity, will be troubling and cause a myriad of problems. Therefore, on both ends of the spectrum, the money itself isn't going to solve all problems. More so, the balance of it and the feeling of being whole within it will help you navigate those feelings.
Those were my highlights from Chapter 1. Have you read this book? What are your thoughts?
Much love,
ArchAngel O:)
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