Chapter 2 is called "Debunking the Vulnerability Myths"
To read my thoughts on Chapter 1, click here.
Chapter 2's myth #1 was the most profound to me and that myth is "Vulnerability is a Weakness"
(pg 33) The perception that vulnerability is weakness is the most widely accepted myth about vulnerability and the most dangerous. When we spend our lives pushing away and protecting ourselves from feeling vulnerable or from being perceived as too emotional, we feel contempt when others are less capable or willing to mask feelings, suck it up and soldier on. We've come to the point where, rather than respecting and appreciating the courage and daring behind vulnerability, we let our fear and discomfort become judgment and criticism. Vulnerability isn't good or bad.
I see this a lot in men. I think it goes back to fragile masculinity. The believe system that vulnerability and the encompassing emotions are weak is appalling to me. We are naturally disposed to experience emotions, both good and bad! I am not sure why negating this natural wiring is somehow perceived as strength.
(pg 33) Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.
That pretty much sums it up! As I said before, vulnerability is a precursor to all feelings, both good or bad. Without a sense of vulnerability, we simply cannot feel!
(pg 33-34) Our rejection of vulnerability often stems from our associating it with dark emotions like fear, shame, grief, sadness and disappointment--emotions that we don't want to discuss, even when they profoundly affect the ay we live, love, work and even lead.
(pg 34) Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability and authenticity. if we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.
Those two passages say to me, "you must take the good with the bad". With vulnerability, we do experience many negative emotions that we'd rather not. But without the same vulnerability, it just simply doesn't become possible to experience the positive emotions that make life worth living. The "birthplace" of emotions being vulnerability just speaks volumes to me.
(pg 34) I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, one who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can't ensure, who may stay in our lives or leaver without a moment's notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow--that's vulnerability. Love is uncertain. It's incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed..
Wow---hits the nail right on the head. Vulnerability to me translates to the individual who decides to invest money into stocks. It's a risk! You could grow exponentially or lose a large sum. But if you do nothing, then you get nothing either way. When you make an emotional investment, just like with a cash investment, you don't want to put ALL of it in one place. This is why, I think, relationships where all the emotional health exists only upon one person are doomed to failure. We cannot put all of our money in one stock and expect a good return on investment. As such, we cannot invest all our emotions into one thing, person or hobby, because eventually it will just go bankrupt.
(pg 39) When discussing vulnerability, it is helpful to look at the definition and the etymology of the world vulnerable. According tot he Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word vulnerability is derived from the Latin word vulnerare, meaning "to wound". The definition includes "capable of being wounded" and "open to attack or damage." Merriam-Webster defines weakness as the inability to withstand attack or wounding. Just from a linguistic perspective, it's clear that these are very different concepts and in fact one could argue that weakness often stems from a lack of vulnerability--when we don't acknowledge how and where we're tender, we're more at risk of being hurt.
It's funny how language works. So, essentially, what I gathered is to abstain from vulnerability is the true weakness. When you refuse to be vulnerable, that means you cannot withstand any type of damage or attack. That is weakness. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you are opening yourself to the possibility (but not the guarantee) of an attack. That is definitely strength!
The second myth in Chapter 2 is "I don't do vulnerability."
(pg 45) Regardless of our willingness to do vulnerability, it does us. When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be. Experiencing vulnerability isn't a choice--the only choice we have is how we're going to respond when we are confronted with uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.
I love the line about regardless of whether vulnerability is something we are willing to do, it will do us. It's going to happen, no matter how guarded and protected you believe you are. Those raw emotions will be exposed and you'll get hurt. The question is: Do you want to be proactive or reactive?
The third myth in Chapter 2 is "Vulnerability is letting it all hang out."
(pg 45) Can't there be too much vulnerability? Isn't there such a thing as oversharing?...Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It's not oversharing, it's not purging, it's not indiscriminate disclosure, and it's not celebrity style social media information dumps. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process.
So, this helped explain a lot about vulnerability to me. We all know that person who just meets someone and discloses the very depths of their souls. This isn't healthy vulnerability. Utilizing the investment scenario I used before, you wouldn't just invest all your money into the first stock account you see, would you? No one would recommend that. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't invest at all--you just have to develop a bit of trust. Maybe invest a few dollars in it to see how it works before thrusting your hard-earned life savings. The same could be said about emotionally investing.
(pg 46) Vulnerability without boundaries leads to disconnection, distrust and disengagement.
The fourth myth in Chapter 2 is the myth that "We can do it alone." I didn't take any excerpts from this section but in summary, it's that sense of hyper-independence where we feel we can handle everything thrown at us at all times. I am incredibly guilty of this fallacy. It can be dangerous. No one is 100% self-made ever, it just doesn't happen!
Much love,
ArchAngel O:)
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