I am far from a perfect individual. I have lied, hurt people, centered my feelings in a situation where it did not belong and made a number of embarrassing, problematic and outrageous drunk decisions (along with drunk comments).
But I do try, especially as I am older, to live a life I can be proud of. I do want my legacy to be one of a person who was kind, thoughtful and caring.
But one thing I've struggled with my entire time life is dealing with internal feelings of guilt. I accept that I have imposter syndrome. But to make matters worst, I am psychologically more far gone than that!
I believe everyone is talking about me--and planning to expose me for this horrific person I am. And interestingly enough, more often than not, what I am imagining is based on events that did not take place. So I spend a bunch of time worrying about being exposed for actions/words that never happened. I know that sounds "crazy" but its part of my experience with intrusive thoughts.
But I also am an introvert. And introvertedness is deeply misunderstood. A dear friend wrote this article, specific to the coronavirus quarantine and being an introvert, and much of it stood out to me.
"People have accused me of being scheming, untrustworthy, mean, rude, stuck-up, and bitchy because they’re put off by my private, cautious, and contemplative nature. “Hot and cold” is another term often used to frame me as someone without the ability to regulate my moods, because others have failed to understand my need for quiet time and personal space after long bouts of social interaction." - Sherronda J. Brown
I, too, am often accused of being scheming and untrustworthy--and this only validates both my imposter syndrome and my intrusive inner dialogues even further.
If attention is on me, whether positive or negative, its very possible I will turn beet red. I will stammer a bit and I might sound off-track. I tend to look away and feel very shamed and embarrassed. Because of this, I have been accused of lying in situations where I am not lying. I am often told I look and sound like "I got caught". Added to my generally guarded demeanor, it makes plenty of room for people to think I am lying and concealing information.
I'm actually not that great at lying, especially on the spot. Of course I've done it, we all have, sometimes it was for safety, other times to maintain negative peace.
But I have "tells" when I am on the spot. What I am truly experiencing is the awkwardness of being in any "spotlight". I also have a tendency to over-explain, as a result of continuously being accused of being schemey is my mechanism to defend and defend. This only perpetuates more of an attitude toward me that I am lying and concealing.
Further, I am afraid of making mistakes. I'm afraid of making them because when addressed, I will respond as I described (turning red, stammering, looking away). This means, often times, that my mistakes will be interpreted as something more deviant, and while impact means more than intent, intent can still matter when determining how to approach the mistakes.
I do my best to stay clear of being in any type of conflict or behavior that might lead to me being in the spotlight. Insomuch, I once had a hilarious post get 500 shares and I locked it at that point to stop it. 500 is nothing compared to some of the friends I have with 10s of 1000s of shares. But to me, it was putting me in a digital spotlight. And since (in my nonsensical mind) everyone is planning and talking about me behind my back, the more exposure my digital footprint has, the more ammunition for my ultimate shame and demise.
I could never be a public figure because I could not survive the scrutiny. If I was in the trial of public opinion, my "tells" and awkwardness would surely "expose" me.
So much so that I would probably just not respond.
Living with this anxiety is frightening and it has led me to devalue and distrust my own position and hold myself far more accountable for any actual lies and mistakes I've made than, I suspect, the average person would.
It can make it difficult to be "convincing" when I am truly telling the truth and my it makes me even more apt to want to hide any actual mistakes or perceptions of possible wrong-doing, to a degree that I start to perpetuate the schemey behavior I am being accused of.
I struggle with the person who did not know better, who laughed at inappropriate jokes, did not understand emotional or physical boundaries to the same degree. Because I believe I am non-redeemable.
This a tough balance to live considering my ardent beliefs in restorative justice--but we don't live in that society. We live in a "once a criminal, always a criminal" society with a sense of purity politics and irredeemability.
All these pressures, on top of my intrusive thoughts, imposter sydromes and inabiliy to look "truthful" when on the spot make it very difficult to move and navigate through life as an imperfect person, but alas, I must.
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