Some are larger than others. Some are forgivable and some are not.
My topic today are my own thoughts on apologizing and forgiving.
First and foremost, apologizing comes in many different forms. Everyone responds differently to apologies. Gary Chapman believes in a format known as "apology languages". Similarly to my previous post about implicit association tests, I am not credentialed enough to tell you whether or not Chapman's findings hold accuracy. But I can tell you, my result matched mostly what I expected.
When someone apologizes to me, the best indicator that I will understand and forgive is for them to accept responsibility. I absolutely detest deflection of blame. I hate when people use excuses or try to find where I screwed up that "made them" do what they did. First of all, no one can make you do anything. If you did it, own it. And own it sooner rather than later. Because the only thing I hate more than when people do not accept responsibility is when I have to present a federal court case to them for them to admit it. It is emotionally exhausting and generally unwarranted.
What I learned from taking the test, though, was that my number one criteria was expressing regret. If someone has done me wrong, or hurt me in any way, I believe that I respond positively when they show they are truly remorseful.
If you know me, I have been wronged by plenty of people. Many of whom never apologized.
What makes me feel better, since no one can go back in time, is when people not only admit their fault but also show regret for it.
What doesn't jive with me, and the test shows this accurately, is begging for forgiveness. For one, I am not materialistic. I am very emotionally driven. It is difficult to appease me with gifts or presents. I also don't enjoy feeling like you spending time with me or taking me out or buying a gift is a way to make you feel better about you've done. It takes the little joy out of whatever it is away from it.
You can't buy my forgiveness.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) for me, I am a very forgiving soul. I do not hold grudges, usually, and will not find enjoyment in holding something over your head. This has lead, of course, to myself becoming abused and used multiple times. It also, however, has lead to maintaining very meaningful and powerful friendships.
I think requesting forgiveness annoys me for another reason.
Your apology should not be conditional. If you are truly sorry, that means you are sorry whether I forgive you or not. Whether I hang out with you again or not. If it is conditional on my reaction, that is a problem.
Far too often people think they are owed forgiveness and they simply aren't.
I tend to forgive easily. But another factor is people often misconstrue forgiveness with reconciliation.
For example, I have an ex who did some pretty terrible things to me. I've forgiven him. But I have no plans to reconcile with him. Ever. I don't see it happening. I just don't. I don't want it to.
The same goes for friendships that have ended.
The harsh reality, though, is it goes both way. I've lost friends. I've made insensitive and ill-informed comments that have caused rifts and bad blood. Despite my apologies, they did not chose to reconcile. I have to own that. It hurts. But I have to live with it.
You do owe yourself forgiveness, though.
I have to forgive myself for my flaws and the wrongs I've done. I just have to. But that self-forgiveness also must not be conditional on whether or not the other part(ies) forgive me. I have to remember that.
If you're interested in learning your apology language, take the test http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/
Much love,
ArchAngel O:)
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