Yesterday, I had posted a rather lengthy summary of what is known as white fragility. As a white person, many of it was and is applicable to myself. It is important to acknowledge it. Members of the status quo are very defensive of their position being challenged. And this extends true into the masculine gender as associated with cis men. Using the same trigger to the fragility's that Robin DiAngelo used for white fragility, I believe it can be found within cis males as well.
As a gay man, I have faced experiences of male fragility and hypermasculinity. I also, however, have also been in that role. It's difficult to unpack all of what society and our upbringings teach us, so I am not going to deny my role in it nor act like I am immune to it. I'm not. And gay men often think they get a free pass when in reality they really don't.
I will also discuss Christian fragility and American fragility as well in another post.
Triggers to Male Fragility (Using DiAngelo's White Fragility Triggers)
Challenge to Objectivity--Men, especially liberal minded men, tend to believe that they are very objective. Many believe they know what they're talking about. When you challenge a man by stating his actions or words are stemming from a misogynistic stance, he is likely to get on the defense. In many cases, these men will deflect and blame feminism as the true evil, as though it is indoctrinating women into a mindset of hating all men.
Let's be clear. It is the constructs of masculinity that hates all men. And it is this very construct that is indoctrinating people.
Challenge to Gender Codes--When women, or non-binary people, bring up their concerns about their treatment or speak from their marginalized perspectives, men feel very threatened and challenged. Additionally, challenging the binary at all can be particularly threatening to both men and women alike. Much of this seeps through as transphobia and misogyny. Men do this and women do that. It's just the way it is! Often times, it isn't able to be rationalized when you get to the root.
Here's some information about gender codes and how challenging them is necessary to end violence.
Challenge to Entitlement of Male Comfort--This one translates a little bit differently to me than the way it translates when challenging white racial comfort. In my post about white racial comfort, I discussed that white people often don't have to think about race.
I don't think that men don't have to think about their gender. I think they do. I think they have to think about far too often, in fact. So much emphasis is put on what makes them men and how to be masculine. "This is men's work, this is what men do." Even if it doesn't make them happy, so be it, as long as it is manly.
However, men don't like to be positioned in a place where they are not in control. This is part of challenging men's entitlement to the comfort. Letting him be the decision maker. The breadwinner. The provider. Anything that challenges these notions will place him an uncomfortable and triggering position.
This writer discusses why feminism should make men uncomfortable.
Challenge to Colonialist Relations--It still applies.
Men believe they are dominant. Our history books teach us stories of men seizing towns and dominating over women.
They have to woo women.
They have to get them in bed.
They have to be the very best, at all times, or they just aren't manly.
Losing is particularly detrimental to men, especially if they lose to a less "masculine" perceived male or a woman.
And when men aren't invited to be part of the conversation, they try to dominate it. Just like with white fragility, they throw in phrases like "Teach me." "How am I supposed to learn [if you don't unpack all of your trauma right now at my demand]"
Even in so-called feminist or gender equality circles, men still love to dominate and socially "colonize" the situation.
Here is a blog post about how men can fit in as true allies and not as dominating oppressors in feminist/gender equity fights.
Challenge to Male Solidarity--There's something I call "men talk". This is the type of talk you hear men having when, to their knowledge, no woman is around.
They expect their male friends to agree with them and usually they do. They'll talk about "fags" and "queers" and refer to women as "bitches" and "hoes". They'll talk about dominating over women.
More often than not, their stories are probably fabricated. They probably hadn't even spoken to the women they are talking about but that's not manly.
So, when another man challenges their misogynistic viewpoints, they tend to get hostile and quickly.
They'll call you a mitch (man-bitch). They'll call you a queer. A pussy is a favorite.
Or they'll say you are just trying to impress women by acting like you are part of the feminist movement. I've literally had this hurled at me which is extra hilarious.
Challenge to Male Liberalism--This one is especially important. When I discussed white liberalism, I brought up "Bernie Bros." Again, I was ardent in support of Bernie but I hated most of his followers. Many of men loved to mansplain to women as to who the best choice was, even if that woman may have been supporting Bernie.
Men in liberal spaces still colonize non-male spaces. You see mostly men in liberal and progressive leadership. When men challenge an ideal or concept, it is radical and it is groundbreaking but when women do it, they are being emotional or "acting crazy". Men have a tendency at all levels to speak over women or speak at women, rather than to them. And this is no exception to liberal minded men.
Challenge to Individualism--Just as in the white fragility discussion, we have the Not All camp for Men. You've seen it.
"Not all men are bad."
"Not all men are abusers."
"I am one of the good men!"
It's just the same old deflections and requirement for validation that comes from this fragility.
Yet in normal man talk, it is perfectly acceptable to call all women crazy or bitches because of their perspective of one woman's behavior. So men, like white people, are an individual but non-masculine people are, like people of color, a collective who must be accountable.
Challenge to Meritocracy--Sexism is a thing of the past, right? The Civil Rights Act of 1964 granted women equal opportunity in the law and therefore the problem is solved, right?
Men don't like to hear that women or otherwise non-masculine performing individuals have challenges that are related solely to their gender identities.
After all, these men tried hard, they worked hard and they made it, so why can't you?
One of the best deflections I've heard is women aren't as good at negotiating as men are and that is why women are paid lower.
But the wage gap is a real thing and it is highly problematic.
So many women are voicing concerns about discrimination in the workplace. But--it's because they're not as good at negotiating?
It's just another way for the status quo to deny itself of its privilege.
Challenge to Male Authority--Men have a hard time accepting women is leadership roles even if they are liberally minded men. All of our Presidents have been men, most of political leaders are men. We see more and more men as CEOs and doctors. In our minds, men always hold the position of power.
Women often have to change their approach when dealing with the male ego and that just isn't right. This is because women face several barriers and challenges to leading over men.
This challenge extends beyond the workplace and also exists in the home. I was just in a discussion today with a man who said he has a problem with "stay at home" husbands? The very idea of ANOTHER couple having an arrangement like that was responded with "Fuck that and fuck their arrangement."
The very idea of a woman having authority over men, in this case, capital, was just out of the question for him.
That is an all too common narrative.
Challenge to Men Centrality--Traditionally, cis men are what we focus on. They are the heroes of our history books with women seldom mentioned. They are the protagonists in our stories.
Even in film or media where the woman is the main character, it is still centered on her idea of finding a prince charming or Mr. Right, the man that is going to save her.
So when non-cisgender or non-male people are discussing their perspectives, men tend to center it on themselves with their men's rights or meninist propaganda. I have seen men deflect with everything from child custody court to all the times women have done awful, terrible things to them.
They must be the center of the conversation at all times, otherwise it challenges their perception of reality. And truthfully, that dates back to "men speak and women listen".
Gender is a very complicated subject matter and there are many experts on the matter that have analysed the social implications of gender norms. As a gay man, I am challenged by facing toxic hypermasculinity of others AND my own. I have to put my perspective aside often times and remember that I do have cis-gender privilege and male privilege.
Here is one blogger's take on being a feminist as a cis male.
And this isn't to say that feminism isn't without it's problems. The topic of TERF and SWERF is for another day, Many feminists are not intersectional. That is a huge, huge problem.
What are your experiences with male fragility, whether your own or another's? What do you have to say about it?
Much love,
ArchAngel O:)
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