Good Deeds

Far too often, I think about something my Aunt Laura said when I was younger. I seldom agree with any of her ideology but, hey, principles over personality. She was talking to someone, and I can't remember who, about why she had just handed over a couple of dollars to a homeless man. The usual dissent was, "Well, what if he goes to spend it on alcohol?" Aunt Laura said, "When I chose to donate, that is between me and God. What he does with it is between him and God."

That was so profound to me.

It seems so many people want to put stipulations and conditions on their giving. And they absolutely love to hold their good deeds over the heads of their recipients.

It reminds me of something I learned in my Intro to Social Work course, regarding this theory of the "deserving poor".

I am sure you remember the story of Fred Barley and how his GoFundMe was suspended when the creator had "concerns" about what Fred might do with the money. Aside from the racist ideology behind that kind of thinking, it was a huge slap in the face.

Once you make a donation, that money is no longer yours. The value of that dollar escapes your hand and you have no control over it. If you want to be in control of your money, keep it in your pocket.

My therapist had asked me if I had anything I was excited about possibly getting for Christmas. I said no, I don't really like to receive gifts. She said she was concerned about my feelings of receiving. Do not get me wrong: I absolutely appreciate any and every gift I've ever received. But I think, looking introspectively, my unsettling feeling about receiving has a lot to do with society's mode of conditional giving.

Have you ever had it happen to you? When someone gives you a gift, does you a favor or gives you cash and then suddenly it is ammunition in an argument. Or suddenly that request comes up, "Hey, remember when I took you to the store, well, now I need..."

Truthfully, I believe a solid relationship or friendship will be based on unspoken give-and-takes. But generally, I don't see it as very healthy to have a tally of all your giving with yourself armed and ready to use it as leverage when you want to receive. Giving should come from the heart and out of a desire to show love and appreciation. I am not saying giving has to be completely altruistic, truthfully, I don't believe anything is 100% altruistic.

I've had people I barely know offer me gifts, whether it be a material item or cash, and I always decline them. In part, because I have had them used against me. I don't want to feel indebted to someone because they gave to me.

Let's say I donate money to a friend. Once it leaves my hand, I no longer care or have control over what happens to the money. I'm not going to track them down for receipts to make sure they used it how I thought it should be used. I'm going to trust that they are the best person to make the financial decisions to suit their livelihood.

If I am truly troubled with what they are doing with the money--here's the kicker--I don't have to donate to them again. I don't have to! If I find they're doing something horribly destructive with it, I can make the conscious choice to never give to them again. If they have a problem with that, then the friendship wasn't very solid, now, was it?

Now, I do differentiate. Donations to people are unconditional in my eyes but donations to organizations are not. If I donate to an organization that is supposed to combat pollution and I find out they are not doing that, I will do whatever I can to hold them accountable.

Also, a loan is conditional. If I loan you $100 because you have a situation and I find out you're using it for something else, I am not going to be happy. And of course, because it is a loan, another condition is it should be paid back promptly (and I shouldn't have to ask you for it).

So let it be known: don't help me in any way if it has conditions and stipulations. Or, if it does have conditions and stipulations, say so upfront.

I don't necessarily have a problem with conditional giving unless it's disguised as unconditional giving.

Much love,
ArchAngel O:)